Saturday, April 9, 2011
Apparently
... I've got some crazy subconcious brain block going on. I haven't been able to write a decent song since December. I'm ok with making good piano chord progressions and melodies, but I can't find words. I can't find what I want to make it all pretty and rhyming. The problem is that every time I attempt to write some form of lyrics down, all of my jumbled thoughts come rushing forward, all crowding into each other, subsequently blocking the passage of any of the thoughts. It's incredibly frustrating. I have a theory that I have to spend some time clearing my brain first, and find some inspiration. That's actually the biggest problem, inspiration. I keep thinking I have enough to write about, and I think I do, but nothing comes as I try to summon words to describe it. Tonight, sitting at the piano, I started 3 songs. And each time after writing only one stanza, I would decide that I hate the song and give up. So now I'm left with two options: I can either try forcing myself to sit in front of the piano every day trying to write a song, or let inspiration find me without trying. Honestly, the latter feels like the better option at this point. Maybe if I just start by writing words down, something will eventually enter my brain that's worth forming into a song. It's just frustrating because this used to come so naturally. And it's like I've lost it. Can all lost things be found again?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
"Get Over It."
I say to myself. Because it's not your fault, not at all. I love you still, and I always will. But it only comes down to one thing. Jealousy. I've experienced this before. Just when I thought I was feeling pretty secure in a friendship, something happens, someone happens, and I just... don't. Here's how I feel: for one, inadequate. I've always been insecure about how others perceive me, so it makes sense that I'd feel this way when you talk about being so excited to go see them. I feel like my presence isn't exciting enough. And it's probably not. "Get over it." I repeat to myself. Honestly, I don't even know what I want from this situation. I'm just feeling really alone. I know I have other friends, but they all have someone else, or don't need someone else. And I have him, but I can't destroy the standing structure we have; he has his friends, his people, and I have mine. But the thing is, I won't try to change anything. I'll just sit back, because you're happy, and that's all that matters to me. You're happy, they make you happy. You don't know this, and maybe you never will, but I'm always trying to impress you. I'm always seeking your approval. I always worry I've said something stupid and you'll stop talking to me. I always worry that you don't care. I always worry that you won't need me as much as I need you. I can make a generalization about this, and my life: I'm scared of the people I'm really close to, because they know how to break me. OK, well, hopefully I feel better after this. There's always tomorrow, right? And if you happen to read this, let me know, because I'd be willing to talk about it. Don't get me wrong, soulmate, I love you and you're my absolute best friend. I just worry that I'm losing you because of this deep rooted feeling of inferiority. There will always be someone better than me.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Religion
... it didn't stick with me.
I went to a Catholic school for 10 years: baptism, first communion, confession, confirmation and all. I was a good little catholic girl, praying to God every night and going to church on Sundays.
Then high school happened.
After that, I really found it hard to value the beliefs that Catholics have. This blog post is not going to bash the Catholic religion of course... in fact, I wish I could believe.
I did some quick research and found a religion I could follow: realism. I know nothing more about this religion than believing in what you can see and what can be proved by science and logic.
But the question is: What makes you happier: believing in something or not believing anything that can't be proved?
Believing in nothing makes sense in my mind. You go with what you see, you hope with what hope is presented to you. Science explains everything in my mind. Science AND logic. Your religion, or maybe lack thereof, is right in front of you: hardcore facts that aren't faith based.
I like these things. I like knowing for sure.. because when I don't, I feel like I can't fully understand.
I find it impossible to believe in things that can't be explained. There has to be a logical reason for everything. It's just easier that way.
I don't fully understand the Catholic religion. They are so nice to us who comply, and yet so horrible because it doesn't accept homosexuality among other things. Isn't Jesus supposed to love us all?
But honestly, I wish I could believe in something. I wish I could have faith in something that can't be proved... it's a more comforting life to lead. You're not so lonely, because God is always there to hear your prayers. You can pray to him for a miracle to happen, to save the ones you love. You can believe in a better place after death, instead of nothingness and your soul being banished forever.
Those are the things I like about the Catholic religion. But I just can't fully believe with my whole heart in those things. I can only find comfort in what I can see in front of me.
Does this make me a bad person? And I know that religion is a sensitive topic, so I apologize if I offended anyone. Except not really.
Because this is what I believe in.
I hate how people are so torn by religion. That's all it does it divide people. Religion makes war. How does that even make sense, when religion is held so high?
And how does Jesus' face just show up in random places like on a dog or on a piece of grilled cheese?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I went to a Catholic school for 10 years: baptism, first communion, confession, confirmation and all. I was a good little catholic girl, praying to God every night and going to church on Sundays.
Then high school happened.
After that, I really found it hard to value the beliefs that Catholics have. This blog post is not going to bash the Catholic religion of course... in fact, I wish I could believe.
I did some quick research and found a religion I could follow: realism. I know nothing more about this religion than believing in what you can see and what can be proved by science and logic.
But the question is: What makes you happier: believing in something or not believing anything that can't be proved?
Believing in nothing makes sense in my mind. You go with what you see, you hope with what hope is presented to you. Science explains everything in my mind. Science AND logic. Your religion, or maybe lack thereof, is right in front of you: hardcore facts that aren't faith based.
I like these things. I like knowing for sure.. because when I don't, I feel like I can't fully understand.
I find it impossible to believe in things that can't be explained. There has to be a logical reason for everything. It's just easier that way.
I don't fully understand the Catholic religion. They are so nice to us who comply, and yet so horrible because it doesn't accept homosexuality among other things. Isn't Jesus supposed to love us all?
But honestly, I wish I could believe in something. I wish I could have faith in something that can't be proved... it's a more comforting life to lead. You're not so lonely, because God is always there to hear your prayers. You can pray to him for a miracle to happen, to save the ones you love. You can believe in a better place after death, instead of nothingness and your soul being banished forever.
Those are the things I like about the Catholic religion. But I just can't fully believe with my whole heart in those things. I can only find comfort in what I can see in front of me.
Does this make me a bad person? And I know that religion is a sensitive topic, so I apologize if I offended anyone. Except not really.
Because this is what I believe in.
I hate how people are so torn by religion. That's all it does it divide people. Religion makes war. How does that even make sense, when religion is held so high?
And how does Jesus' face just show up in random places like on a dog or on a piece of grilled cheese?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Is It Possible
... to more than love someone? And if so, what would you call it?
It's like asking what you'd call the place beyond the solar system. Is it still called space, even into the black nothingness? And where does it begin?
Just like space, you never know where love begins and ends. Space could begin right infront of your face, just like love at first sight. And contrary to some belief, love can last forever just like space does, going on and on and on even after life has finished and all you're left with is nothing.
I bring this up because I had the impulse to tell him that I more than love him. I decided not to, because I wouldn't have an explanation as to what I meant by that. I can only explain that telling him that I love him doesn't feel like enough.
For most people, taking the leap from "I like you" to "I love you" is a huge deal. It's usually a mile stone for the relationship, and it taken seriously (The first time he told me he loves me was January 15..) See what I mean? It's a big deal, because there's a huge difference between saying "I really like you" and "I love you".
So would it be a bigger deal to take the step and say "I more than love you." ? Theoretically, saying that would totally change the relationship, if it was anything compared to the difference between like and love.
I want it to be a big difference.. I just have to find a new verb to suit it first. I want it to mean everything to me and him. I want it to make him know that I'm asking for forever.
Oh, how too young we are. Irrational, imaginative, naive. That's why I try to take it day by day, enjoying the now as opposed to the potential. Because nothing is guaranteed, on either side.
Side note.
I never want to forget the millions of stars as we kissed in your arms.
I never want to forget the smell of the air and the colours of the trees.
I never want to forget the things we laughed at and the things that we ate.
I never want to forget how we stayed up until 4am in the dark under the starlight.
Because I never want to forget the day I more than loved you.
Well, as lame as I am.
-K
It's like asking what you'd call the place beyond the solar system. Is it still called space, even into the black nothingness? And where does it begin?
Just like space, you never know where love begins and ends. Space could begin right infront of your face, just like love at first sight. And contrary to some belief, love can last forever just like space does, going on and on and on even after life has finished and all you're left with is nothing.
I bring this up because I had the impulse to tell him that I more than love him. I decided not to, because I wouldn't have an explanation as to what I meant by that. I can only explain that telling him that I love him doesn't feel like enough.
For most people, taking the leap from "I like you" to "I love you" is a huge deal. It's usually a mile stone for the relationship, and it taken seriously (The first time he told me he loves me was January 15..) See what I mean? It's a big deal, because there's a huge difference between saying "I really like you" and "I love you".
So would it be a bigger deal to take the step and say "I more than love you." ? Theoretically, saying that would totally change the relationship, if it was anything compared to the difference between like and love.
I want it to be a big difference.. I just have to find a new verb to suit it first. I want it to mean everything to me and him. I want it to make him know that I'm asking for forever.
Oh, how too young we are. Irrational, imaginative, naive. That's why I try to take it day by day, enjoying the now as opposed to the potential. Because nothing is guaranteed, on either side.
Side note.
I never want to forget the millions of stars as we kissed in your arms.
I never want to forget the smell of the air and the colours of the trees.
I never want to forget the things we laughed at and the things that we ate.
I never want to forget how we stayed up until 4am in the dark under the starlight.
Because I never want to forget the day I more than loved you.
Well, as lame as I am.
-K
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm Catching the Next Flight Out of Here
... because this is where summer is, and I'm ready to move on. It's time to stop being scared, and closing my eyes to pretend that summer lasts forever.
I always thought that I needed summer to be happy, like a break from the real world, where I could fall into my alternate reality of the burning sun and cold ice cream. But after this summer, I think I've learned how to deal.
It was nice to have a break from school, that's for sure. I hate the constant stress that the school years bring, increasing with each passing grade. During these hot months, all you had to worry about was when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat... and for some, a temporary summer job. Summer is just a massive vacation for the mind.
But this summer, I've also realized that you miss a lot of people. Everyone is doing their own things, as you are. Schedules never match up, and you end up going weeks without speaking to someone. I guess that's the trade off once you don't have the convenience of school to see each other every day.
I suppose I'm following the lead of Messed One, another fabulous blogger. She's making a change this year, for grade eleven. I think I want to as well.
She wrote about being more honest with people if she has a problem with them; she'll be more straight up with them in order to avoid any more drama than is needed.
I want to do that : pursue the journey of complete honesty. I would be a liar if I said I was going really do this, but I'm not lying in saying that I'll try.
It's time to live. I've figured out who I am by now, and what I am. Last year, at the beginning of the school year, I had just come back from a stint in the hospital. It left me changed, both physically and mentally. Last year was learning who I am and who everyone else is. It was like I was in training; I was learning how everything worked and where and with who I belonged. This year, it's time to live.
This year, it's time to appreciate everything and everyone I have.
This year, it's time to be brutally honest with everyone and myself.
This year, it's time to be more organized and succeed in school.
This year, it's time to think about the years to come.
This year, it's time to love and be loved.
This year, it's time to live in the moment, every single moment.
There is just so much to look forward to: friends' birthdays, autumn, dance, school activities, UVRing, Christmas... that's about as far as I can think right now.
As I sit here it is 7:22 pm on Labour day Monday, I come to a somewhat solemn realization: summer is really over. It's a bit sad, but at least I know one thing:
My flight leaves in 4 hours and 38 minutes, and it's taking me to a whole new place.
A place I think I'll love.
Have fun in school, kids.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I always thought that I needed summer to be happy, like a break from the real world, where I could fall into my alternate reality of the burning sun and cold ice cream. But after this summer, I think I've learned how to deal.
It was nice to have a break from school, that's for sure. I hate the constant stress that the school years bring, increasing with each passing grade. During these hot months, all you had to worry about was when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat... and for some, a temporary summer job. Summer is just a massive vacation for the mind.
But this summer, I've also realized that you miss a lot of people. Everyone is doing their own things, as you are. Schedules never match up, and you end up going weeks without speaking to someone. I guess that's the trade off once you don't have the convenience of school to see each other every day.
I suppose I'm following the lead of Messed One, another fabulous blogger. She's making a change this year, for grade eleven. I think I want to as well.
She wrote about being more honest with people if she has a problem with them; she'll be more straight up with them in order to avoid any more drama than is needed.
I want to do that : pursue the journey of complete honesty. I would be a liar if I said I was going really do this, but I'm not lying in saying that I'll try.
It's time to live. I've figured out who I am by now, and what I am. Last year, at the beginning of the school year, I had just come back from a stint in the hospital. It left me changed, both physically and mentally. Last year was learning who I am and who everyone else is. It was like I was in training; I was learning how everything worked and where and with who I belonged. This year, it's time to live.
This year, it's time to appreciate everything and everyone I have.
This year, it's time to be brutally honest with everyone and myself.
This year, it's time to be more organized and succeed in school.
This year, it's time to think about the years to come.
This year, it's time to love and be loved.
This year, it's time to live in the moment, every single moment.
There is just so much to look forward to: friends' birthdays, autumn, dance, school activities, UVRing, Christmas... that's about as far as I can think right now.
As I sit here it is 7:22 pm on Labour day Monday, I come to a somewhat solemn realization: summer is really over. It's a bit sad, but at least I know one thing:
My flight leaves in 4 hours and 38 minutes, and it's taking me to a whole new place.
A place I think I'll love.
Have fun in school, kids.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, September 3, 2010
Home
... is a place where you never feel alone. Home is where you can say or do anything, and not regret it.
I hate that feeling of being far from home. In my opinion, home is not your physical house, but the emotional things that are the collection of our lives. Home is the happiest place on the planet, far better than any luxurious hotel, placid beach or sparkling city.
There is no better place to create the most colourful memories than right where your home is, and with who your home is.
To me
Home is staying up until 3am with my two best friends.
Home is being out and lively with the wonderful people I surround myself with.
Home is all of the stuff that we all talk about.
Home is being in his arms.
Home is my family.
Home is being there for others who cannot find their way home.
Sometimes, you have to show lost ones the way. I've been lost, and sometimes, I really think I still am. But I've been lost enough to know how to manage. There's no worse feeling than the one of being far from home, just wanting to go back.
Whose home are you?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I hate that feeling of being far from home. In my opinion, home is not your physical house, but the emotional things that are the collection of our lives. Home is the happiest place on the planet, far better than any luxurious hotel, placid beach or sparkling city.
There is no better place to create the most colourful memories than right where your home is, and with who your home is.
To me
Home is staying up until 3am with my two best friends.
Home is being out and lively with the wonderful people I surround myself with.
Home is all of the stuff that we all talk about.
Home is being in his arms.
Home is my family.
Home is being there for others who cannot find their way home.
Sometimes, you have to show lost ones the way. I've been lost, and sometimes, I really think I still am. But I've been lost enough to know how to manage. There's no worse feeling than the one of being far from home, just wanting to go back.
Whose home are you?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)