... it didn't stick with me.
I went to a Catholic school for 10 years: baptism, first communion, confession, confirmation and all. I was a good little catholic girl, praying to God every night and going to church on Sundays.
Then high school happened.
After that, I really found it hard to value the beliefs that Catholics have. This blog post is not going to bash the Catholic religion of course... in fact, I wish I could believe.
I did some quick research and found a religion I could follow: realism. I know nothing more about this religion than believing in what you can see and what can be proved by science and logic.
But the question is: What makes you happier: believing in something or not believing anything that can't be proved?
Believing in nothing makes sense in my mind. You go with what you see, you hope with what hope is presented to you. Science explains everything in my mind. Science AND logic. Your religion, or maybe lack thereof, is right in front of you: hardcore facts that aren't faith based.
I like these things. I like knowing for sure.. because when I don't, I feel like I can't fully understand.
I find it impossible to believe in things that can't be explained. There has to be a logical reason for everything. It's just easier that way.
I don't fully understand the Catholic religion. They are so nice to us who comply, and yet so horrible because it doesn't accept homosexuality among other things. Isn't Jesus supposed to love us all?
But honestly, I wish I could believe in something. I wish I could have faith in something that can't be proved... it's a more comforting life to lead. You're not so lonely, because God is always there to hear your prayers. You can pray to him for a miracle to happen, to save the ones you love. You can believe in a better place after death, instead of nothingness and your soul being banished forever.
Those are the things I like about the Catholic religion. But I just can't fully believe with my whole heart in those things. I can only find comfort in what I can see in front of me.
Does this make me a bad person? And I know that religion is a sensitive topic, so I apologize if I offended anyone. Except not really.
Because this is what I believe in.
I hate how people are so torn by religion. That's all it does it divide people. Religion makes war. How does that even make sense, when religion is held so high?
And how does Jesus' face just show up in random places like on a dog or on a piece of grilled cheese?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Is It Possible
... to more than love someone? And if so, what would you call it?
It's like asking what you'd call the place beyond the solar system. Is it still called space, even into the black nothingness? And where does it begin?
Just like space, you never know where love begins and ends. Space could begin right infront of your face, just like love at first sight. And contrary to some belief, love can last forever just like space does, going on and on and on even after life has finished and all you're left with is nothing.
I bring this up because I had the impulse to tell him that I more than love him. I decided not to, because I wouldn't have an explanation as to what I meant by that. I can only explain that telling him that I love him doesn't feel like enough.
For most people, taking the leap from "I like you" to "I love you" is a huge deal. It's usually a mile stone for the relationship, and it taken seriously (The first time he told me he loves me was January 15..) See what I mean? It's a big deal, because there's a huge difference between saying "I really like you" and "I love you".
So would it be a bigger deal to take the step and say "I more than love you." ? Theoretically, saying that would totally change the relationship, if it was anything compared to the difference between like and love.
I want it to be a big difference.. I just have to find a new verb to suit it first. I want it to mean everything to me and him. I want it to make him know that I'm asking for forever.
Oh, how too young we are. Irrational, imaginative, naive. That's why I try to take it day by day, enjoying the now as opposed to the potential. Because nothing is guaranteed, on either side.
Side note.
I never want to forget the millions of stars as we kissed in your arms.
I never want to forget the smell of the air and the colours of the trees.
I never want to forget the things we laughed at and the things that we ate.
I never want to forget how we stayed up until 4am in the dark under the starlight.
Because I never want to forget the day I more than loved you.
Well, as lame as I am.
-K
It's like asking what you'd call the place beyond the solar system. Is it still called space, even into the black nothingness? And where does it begin?
Just like space, you never know where love begins and ends. Space could begin right infront of your face, just like love at first sight. And contrary to some belief, love can last forever just like space does, going on and on and on even after life has finished and all you're left with is nothing.
I bring this up because I had the impulse to tell him that I more than love him. I decided not to, because I wouldn't have an explanation as to what I meant by that. I can only explain that telling him that I love him doesn't feel like enough.
For most people, taking the leap from "I like you" to "I love you" is a huge deal. It's usually a mile stone for the relationship, and it taken seriously (The first time he told me he loves me was January 15..) See what I mean? It's a big deal, because there's a huge difference between saying "I really like you" and "I love you".
So would it be a bigger deal to take the step and say "I more than love you." ? Theoretically, saying that would totally change the relationship, if it was anything compared to the difference between like and love.
I want it to be a big difference.. I just have to find a new verb to suit it first. I want it to mean everything to me and him. I want it to make him know that I'm asking for forever.
Oh, how too young we are. Irrational, imaginative, naive. That's why I try to take it day by day, enjoying the now as opposed to the potential. Because nothing is guaranteed, on either side.
Side note.
I never want to forget the millions of stars as we kissed in your arms.
I never want to forget the smell of the air and the colours of the trees.
I never want to forget the things we laughed at and the things that we ate.
I never want to forget how we stayed up until 4am in the dark under the starlight.
Because I never want to forget the day I more than loved you.
Well, as lame as I am.
-K
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm Catching the Next Flight Out of Here
... because this is where summer is, and I'm ready to move on. It's time to stop being scared, and closing my eyes to pretend that summer lasts forever.
I always thought that I needed summer to be happy, like a break from the real world, where I could fall into my alternate reality of the burning sun and cold ice cream. But after this summer, I think I've learned how to deal.
It was nice to have a break from school, that's for sure. I hate the constant stress that the school years bring, increasing with each passing grade. During these hot months, all you had to worry about was when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat... and for some, a temporary summer job. Summer is just a massive vacation for the mind.
But this summer, I've also realized that you miss a lot of people. Everyone is doing their own things, as you are. Schedules never match up, and you end up going weeks without speaking to someone. I guess that's the trade off once you don't have the convenience of school to see each other every day.
I suppose I'm following the lead of Messed One, another fabulous blogger. She's making a change this year, for grade eleven. I think I want to as well.
She wrote about being more honest with people if she has a problem with them; she'll be more straight up with them in order to avoid any more drama than is needed.
I want to do that : pursue the journey of complete honesty. I would be a liar if I said I was going really do this, but I'm not lying in saying that I'll try.
It's time to live. I've figured out who I am by now, and what I am. Last year, at the beginning of the school year, I had just come back from a stint in the hospital. It left me changed, both physically and mentally. Last year was learning who I am and who everyone else is. It was like I was in training; I was learning how everything worked and where and with who I belonged. This year, it's time to live.
This year, it's time to appreciate everything and everyone I have.
This year, it's time to be brutally honest with everyone and myself.
This year, it's time to be more organized and succeed in school.
This year, it's time to think about the years to come.
This year, it's time to love and be loved.
This year, it's time to live in the moment, every single moment.
There is just so much to look forward to: friends' birthdays, autumn, dance, school activities, UVRing, Christmas... that's about as far as I can think right now.
As I sit here it is 7:22 pm on Labour day Monday, I come to a somewhat solemn realization: summer is really over. It's a bit sad, but at least I know one thing:
My flight leaves in 4 hours and 38 minutes, and it's taking me to a whole new place.
A place I think I'll love.
Have fun in school, kids.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I always thought that I needed summer to be happy, like a break from the real world, where I could fall into my alternate reality of the burning sun and cold ice cream. But after this summer, I think I've learned how to deal.
It was nice to have a break from school, that's for sure. I hate the constant stress that the school years bring, increasing with each passing grade. During these hot months, all you had to worry about was when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat... and for some, a temporary summer job. Summer is just a massive vacation for the mind.
But this summer, I've also realized that you miss a lot of people. Everyone is doing their own things, as you are. Schedules never match up, and you end up going weeks without speaking to someone. I guess that's the trade off once you don't have the convenience of school to see each other every day.
I suppose I'm following the lead of Messed One, another fabulous blogger. She's making a change this year, for grade eleven. I think I want to as well.
She wrote about being more honest with people if she has a problem with them; she'll be more straight up with them in order to avoid any more drama than is needed.
I want to do that : pursue the journey of complete honesty. I would be a liar if I said I was going really do this, but I'm not lying in saying that I'll try.
It's time to live. I've figured out who I am by now, and what I am. Last year, at the beginning of the school year, I had just come back from a stint in the hospital. It left me changed, both physically and mentally. Last year was learning who I am and who everyone else is. It was like I was in training; I was learning how everything worked and where and with who I belonged. This year, it's time to live.
This year, it's time to appreciate everything and everyone I have.
This year, it's time to be brutally honest with everyone and myself.
This year, it's time to be more organized and succeed in school.
This year, it's time to think about the years to come.
This year, it's time to love and be loved.
This year, it's time to live in the moment, every single moment.
There is just so much to look forward to: friends' birthdays, autumn, dance, school activities, UVRing, Christmas... that's about as far as I can think right now.
As I sit here it is 7:22 pm on Labour day Monday, I come to a somewhat solemn realization: summer is really over. It's a bit sad, but at least I know one thing:
My flight leaves in 4 hours and 38 minutes, and it's taking me to a whole new place.
A place I think I'll love.
Have fun in school, kids.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, September 3, 2010
Home
... is a place where you never feel alone. Home is where you can say or do anything, and not regret it.
I hate that feeling of being far from home. In my opinion, home is not your physical house, but the emotional things that are the collection of our lives. Home is the happiest place on the planet, far better than any luxurious hotel, placid beach or sparkling city.
There is no better place to create the most colourful memories than right where your home is, and with who your home is.
To me
Home is staying up until 3am with my two best friends.
Home is being out and lively with the wonderful people I surround myself with.
Home is all of the stuff that we all talk about.
Home is being in his arms.
Home is my family.
Home is being there for others who cannot find their way home.
Sometimes, you have to show lost ones the way. I've been lost, and sometimes, I really think I still am. But I've been lost enough to know how to manage. There's no worse feeling than the one of being far from home, just wanting to go back.
Whose home are you?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I hate that feeling of being far from home. In my opinion, home is not your physical house, but the emotional things that are the collection of our lives. Home is the happiest place on the planet, far better than any luxurious hotel, placid beach or sparkling city.
There is no better place to create the most colourful memories than right where your home is, and with who your home is.
To me
Home is staying up until 3am with my two best friends.
Home is being out and lively with the wonderful people I surround myself with.
Home is all of the stuff that we all talk about.
Home is being in his arms.
Home is my family.
Home is being there for others who cannot find their way home.
Sometimes, you have to show lost ones the way. I've been lost, and sometimes, I really think I still am. But I've been lost enough to know how to manage. There's no worse feeling than the one of being far from home, just wanting to go back.
Whose home are you?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Glass House
... is something that I keep to myself. My glass house is my sanctuary for feelings, thoughts, wants, and fears. My glass house is the most important thing in the world to me, and I hate when it's at risk of damage.
Right now, I feel as if there's a category 5 hurricane on the horizon ready to destroy my glass house.
I would be devastated if anything happened to it. For my whole life it has undergone many changes and renovations, reparations and improvements. I live alone in my glass house, under the protection of the cool, delicate surface.
But the problem is that I keep all of my most treasured things in my glass house, and any threat to it makes me panic. The thin, breakable walls just might, at any moment, give to the constant pressure.
See, my glass house was built on a beach near the ocean, surrounded by many other glass houses. They were all like mine, but each unique in their own way. Sometimes, I love living on the beach. Hot, sunny days are spent enjoying the peace and happiness living in the moment. These days, everything goes right.
But then sometimes, hurricanes roll through and it's a horrible time for my glass house. The high winds and rain threaten to shatter the walls and harm everything inside. Everything I hold so dearly to my heart.
I never know what to do when disaster strikes. Sometimes I choose to help break down the walls in spite of myself, just to get the pain over with. But sometimes, I can repare the broken walls. That is, with enough effort. I'm just afraid because I make the same mistake every time I try to repare the glass in the walls, since it's always the same things that break them.
I know I don't have a really beautiful glass house like some others do, but I like mine. It's the house I built myself, and the one I'm stuck with forever. I love it, and hate it at the same time; through the holes in the walls I can feel the cold air from outside creeping in. It makes it hard to sleep in my pretty house.
Sometimes I wish I could just move in to another glass house with someone else.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Right now, I feel as if there's a category 5 hurricane on the horizon ready to destroy my glass house.
I would be devastated if anything happened to it. For my whole life it has undergone many changes and renovations, reparations and improvements. I live alone in my glass house, under the protection of the cool, delicate surface.
But the problem is that I keep all of my most treasured things in my glass house, and any threat to it makes me panic. The thin, breakable walls just might, at any moment, give to the constant pressure.
See, my glass house was built on a beach near the ocean, surrounded by many other glass houses. They were all like mine, but each unique in their own way. Sometimes, I love living on the beach. Hot, sunny days are spent enjoying the peace and happiness living in the moment. These days, everything goes right.
But then sometimes, hurricanes roll through and it's a horrible time for my glass house. The high winds and rain threaten to shatter the walls and harm everything inside. Everything I hold so dearly to my heart.
I never know what to do when disaster strikes. Sometimes I choose to help break down the walls in spite of myself, just to get the pain over with. But sometimes, I can repare the broken walls. That is, with enough effort. I'm just afraid because I make the same mistake every time I try to repare the glass in the walls, since it's always the same things that break them.
I know I don't have a really beautiful glass house like some others do, but I like mine. It's the house I built myself, and the one I'm stuck with forever. I love it, and hate it at the same time; through the holes in the walls I can feel the cold air from outside creeping in. It makes it hard to sleep in my pretty house.
Sometimes I wish I could just move in to another glass house with someone else.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, August 20, 2010
Time to Wake Up
... and realize you're going to be obligated to get out of bed before noon starting in about two weeks (18 days) because the big S is coming. That's right children: school.
Most people, including myself, just cringe at the prospect of school. We are reminded of the books, the pencils, the schoolwork, the homework, the tests and exams, and the hell that pertains to the constant stress of the student of today.
But, we are also reminded of the good things: seeing friends every day, school sports and clubs, extracirriculars, and the general routine of it all. Personally, the one thing I enjoy about the period between September and July is there's most often something to do at all times. Sometimes summer makes me feel like I'm rotting, and I should really do something productive.
The beginning of school is also the perfect time to change. What are you going to change this year, if anything? Some people might start actually getting serious at school, pledging to actually complete homework and study for every single quiz, exam and test. Some people might be starting a new job for the school year, finally having access to their own money and gaining new skills. And some people might be looking for some new relationships, either romantic or friendship, or both.
I know for sure that it was time to change in my life. I feel like at my age, it's time to start growing up and thinking about my future. My grades are going to count more than ever before, and I also have to start planning financially for university.
A part of me is scared to no end about the future. So much is happening so quickly, and life is changning without my control. But, I always have to remind myself that as long as I keep up with everything, I should survive. I should survive my new courses, extracirriculars, and my new job. Wish me luck.
Think about the changes you can make this year, and actually stick to the promises you make yourself. Set goals, perhaps? Trust me that organization will make your year so much better.
We are all going to have trouble letting go of long summer days and all of the fun we have. But at least we have all of the wonderful memories to hold on to... I know I do.
Thank you to everyone who made my summer the best it has ever been!
Take a deep breath and prepare yourself.
It's time to wake up.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Most people, including myself, just cringe at the prospect of school. We are reminded of the books, the pencils, the schoolwork, the homework, the tests and exams, and the hell that pertains to the constant stress of the student of today.
But, we are also reminded of the good things: seeing friends every day, school sports and clubs, extracirriculars, and the general routine of it all. Personally, the one thing I enjoy about the period between September and July is there's most often something to do at all times. Sometimes summer makes me feel like I'm rotting, and I should really do something productive.
The beginning of school is also the perfect time to change. What are you going to change this year, if anything? Some people might start actually getting serious at school, pledging to actually complete homework and study for every single quiz, exam and test. Some people might be starting a new job for the school year, finally having access to their own money and gaining new skills. And some people might be looking for some new relationships, either romantic or friendship, or both.
I know for sure that it was time to change in my life. I feel like at my age, it's time to start growing up and thinking about my future. My grades are going to count more than ever before, and I also have to start planning financially for university.
A part of me is scared to no end about the future. So much is happening so quickly, and life is changning without my control. But, I always have to remind myself that as long as I keep up with everything, I should survive. I should survive my new courses, extracirriculars, and my new job. Wish me luck.
Think about the changes you can make this year, and actually stick to the promises you make yourself. Set goals, perhaps? Trust me that organization will make your year so much better.
We are all going to have trouble letting go of long summer days and all of the fun we have. But at least we have all of the wonderful memories to hold on to... I know I do.
Thank you to everyone who made my summer the best it has ever been!
Take a deep breath and prepare yourself.
It's time to wake up.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
You're Starting to Feel Like a Dream
... because you've been gone so long.
Of course, unlike last time you were gone, I'm not upset. This is because I know that you can't reach me that easily, and you're distracted by having so much fun at camp. I miss you like crazy, and I cannot wait for you to be home. The thought of you just seems so unreal now, because I only see you in my dreams, and in my daily thoughts (and when I stalk you on facebook, of course). It breaks my heart to sit here and wish you were here, and yet I can do nothing about it.
But I think your absence has an advantage. I've kind of rediscovered how to be alone, and the girl I was before I met you. I'm definitely not saying you've changed me for the worst; I appreciate the changes you've brought. But I forgot what it was like to be wishing for the boy, instead of in the arms of one.
I've been able to occupy myself these days, busying with a job search, friends, personal stuff... It's been good. I guess this is the self discovery I've been trying for this whole summer.
I've rediscovered my independence. I wasn't sure if it had been lost at all, because every time we were apart, I'd miss you and wish I could go back to the time that we were together. But now, I've accepted your temporary absence, and I'm not wishing to go back to when we were together. The difference between now and then has been established, and I'm only thinking of the future.
I never want to be away from you, because I love you more than you know. You've changed me a lot, but not completely. I'm still the same girl that at this time last year, self discovery was all that mattered.
You are going to be welcomed home with open arms. My arms are going to take us to a completely different place in that moment, where we are the only habitants. But I think for the future, I'll learn to appreciate your presence more, and have your absence not be such a devastating affair.
I am an independent woman, and I have friends that I love. Family that I love. Things to do that I love. This was the test to see if any of these things have been lost... but I don't think it has. All of these things can keep me stable when you're not here. And I think that's okay... it makes me confident that we can last a very long time since we won't lose anything in the process of forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Of course, unlike last time you were gone, I'm not upset. This is because I know that you can't reach me that easily, and you're distracted by having so much fun at camp. I miss you like crazy, and I cannot wait for you to be home. The thought of you just seems so unreal now, because I only see you in my dreams, and in my daily thoughts (and when I stalk you on facebook, of course). It breaks my heart to sit here and wish you were here, and yet I can do nothing about it.
But I think your absence has an advantage. I've kind of rediscovered how to be alone, and the girl I was before I met you. I'm definitely not saying you've changed me for the worst; I appreciate the changes you've brought. But I forgot what it was like to be wishing for the boy, instead of in the arms of one.
I've been able to occupy myself these days, busying with a job search, friends, personal stuff... It's been good. I guess this is the self discovery I've been trying for this whole summer.
I've rediscovered my independence. I wasn't sure if it had been lost at all, because every time we were apart, I'd miss you and wish I could go back to the time that we were together. But now, I've accepted your temporary absence, and I'm not wishing to go back to when we were together. The difference between now and then has been established, and I'm only thinking of the future.
I never want to be away from you, because I love you more than you know. You've changed me a lot, but not completely. I'm still the same girl that at this time last year, self discovery was all that mattered.
You are going to be welcomed home with open arms. My arms are going to take us to a completely different place in that moment, where we are the only habitants. But I think for the future, I'll learn to appreciate your presence more, and have your absence not be such a devastating affair.
I am an independent woman, and I have friends that I love. Family that I love. Things to do that I love. This was the test to see if any of these things have been lost... but I don't think it has. All of these things can keep me stable when you're not here. And I think that's okay... it makes me confident that we can last a very long time since we won't lose anything in the process of forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
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