Lover

Dear Lover, I love you.

"Get Over It."

I say to myself. Because it's not your fault, not at all. I love you still, and I always will. But it only comes down to one thing. Jealousy. I've experienced this before. Just when I thought I was feeling pretty secure in a friendship, something happens, someone happens, and I just... don't. Here's how I feel: for one, inadequate. I've always been insecure about how others perceive me, so it makes sense that I'd feel this way when you talk about being so excited to go see them. I feel like my presence isn't exciting enough. And it's probably not. "Get over it." I repeat to myself. Honestly, I don't even know what I want from this situation. I'm just feeling really alone. I know I have other friends, but they all have someone else, or don't need someone else. And I have him, but I can't destroy the standing structure we have; he has his friends, his people, and I have mine. But the thing is, I won't try to change anything. I'll just sit back, because you're happy, and that's all that matters to me. You're happy, they make you happy. You don't know this, and maybe you never will, but I'm always trying to impress you. I'm always seeking your approval. I always worry I've said something stupid and you'll stop talking to me. I always worry that you don't care. I always worry that you won't need me as much as I need you. I can make a generalization about this, and my life: I'm scared of the people I'm really close to, because they know how to break me. OK, well, hopefully I feel better after this. There's always tomorrow, right? And if you happen to read this, let me know, because I'd be willing to talk about it. Don't get me wrong, soulmate, I love you and you're my absolute best friend. I just worry that I'm losing you because of this deep rooted feeling of inferiority. There will always be someone better than me.