... is something that I keep to myself. My glass house is my sanctuary for feelings, thoughts, wants, and fears. My glass house is the most important thing in the world to me, and I hate when it's at risk of damage.
Right now, I feel as if there's a category 5 hurricane on the horizon ready to destroy my glass house.
I would be devastated if anything happened to it. For my whole life it has undergone many changes and renovations, reparations and improvements. I live alone in my glass house, under the protection of the cool, delicate surface.
But the problem is that I keep all of my most treasured things in my glass house, and any threat to it makes me panic. The thin, breakable walls just might, at any moment, give to the constant pressure.
See, my glass house was built on a beach near the ocean, surrounded by many other glass houses. They were all like mine, but each unique in their own way. Sometimes, I love living on the beach. Hot, sunny days are spent enjoying the peace and happiness living in the moment. These days, everything goes right.
But then sometimes, hurricanes roll through and it's a horrible time for my glass house. The high winds and rain threaten to shatter the walls and harm everything inside. Everything I hold so dearly to my heart.
I never know what to do when disaster strikes. Sometimes I choose to help break down the walls in spite of myself, just to get the pain over with. But sometimes, I can repare the broken walls. That is, with enough effort. I'm just afraid because I make the same mistake every time I try to repare the glass in the walls, since it's always the same things that break them.
I know I don't have a really beautiful glass house like some others do, but I like mine. It's the house I built myself, and the one I'm stuck with forever. I love it, and hate it at the same time; through the holes in the walls I can feel the cold air from outside creeping in. It makes it hard to sleep in my pretty house.
Sometimes I wish I could just move in to another glass house with someone else.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Time to Wake Up
... and realize you're going to be obligated to get out of bed before noon starting in about two weeks (18 days) because the big S is coming. That's right children: school.
Most people, including myself, just cringe at the prospect of school. We are reminded of the books, the pencils, the schoolwork, the homework, the tests and exams, and the hell that pertains to the constant stress of the student of today.
But, we are also reminded of the good things: seeing friends every day, school sports and clubs, extracirriculars, and the general routine of it all. Personally, the one thing I enjoy about the period between September and July is there's most often something to do at all times. Sometimes summer makes me feel like I'm rotting, and I should really do something productive.
The beginning of school is also the perfect time to change. What are you going to change this year, if anything? Some people might start actually getting serious at school, pledging to actually complete homework and study for every single quiz, exam and test. Some people might be starting a new job for the school year, finally having access to their own money and gaining new skills. And some people might be looking for some new relationships, either romantic or friendship, or both.
I know for sure that it was time to change in my life. I feel like at my age, it's time to start growing up and thinking about my future. My grades are going to count more than ever before, and I also have to start planning financially for university.
A part of me is scared to no end about the future. So much is happening so quickly, and life is changning without my control. But, I always have to remind myself that as long as I keep up with everything, I should survive. I should survive my new courses, extracirriculars, and my new job. Wish me luck.
Think about the changes you can make this year, and actually stick to the promises you make yourself. Set goals, perhaps? Trust me that organization will make your year so much better.
We are all going to have trouble letting go of long summer days and all of the fun we have. But at least we have all of the wonderful memories to hold on to... I know I do.
Thank you to everyone who made my summer the best it has ever been!
Take a deep breath and prepare yourself.
It's time to wake up.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Most people, including myself, just cringe at the prospect of school. We are reminded of the books, the pencils, the schoolwork, the homework, the tests and exams, and the hell that pertains to the constant stress of the student of today.
But, we are also reminded of the good things: seeing friends every day, school sports and clubs, extracirriculars, and the general routine of it all. Personally, the one thing I enjoy about the period between September and July is there's most often something to do at all times. Sometimes summer makes me feel like I'm rotting, and I should really do something productive.
The beginning of school is also the perfect time to change. What are you going to change this year, if anything? Some people might start actually getting serious at school, pledging to actually complete homework and study for every single quiz, exam and test. Some people might be starting a new job for the school year, finally having access to their own money and gaining new skills. And some people might be looking for some new relationships, either romantic or friendship, or both.
I know for sure that it was time to change in my life. I feel like at my age, it's time to start growing up and thinking about my future. My grades are going to count more than ever before, and I also have to start planning financially for university.
A part of me is scared to no end about the future. So much is happening so quickly, and life is changning without my control. But, I always have to remind myself that as long as I keep up with everything, I should survive. I should survive my new courses, extracirriculars, and my new job. Wish me luck.
Think about the changes you can make this year, and actually stick to the promises you make yourself. Set goals, perhaps? Trust me that organization will make your year so much better.
We are all going to have trouble letting go of long summer days and all of the fun we have. But at least we have all of the wonderful memories to hold on to... I know I do.
Thank you to everyone who made my summer the best it has ever been!
Take a deep breath and prepare yourself.
It's time to wake up.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
You're Starting to Feel Like a Dream
... because you've been gone so long.
Of course, unlike last time you were gone, I'm not upset. This is because I know that you can't reach me that easily, and you're distracted by having so much fun at camp. I miss you like crazy, and I cannot wait for you to be home. The thought of you just seems so unreal now, because I only see you in my dreams, and in my daily thoughts (and when I stalk you on facebook, of course). It breaks my heart to sit here and wish you were here, and yet I can do nothing about it.
But I think your absence has an advantage. I've kind of rediscovered how to be alone, and the girl I was before I met you. I'm definitely not saying you've changed me for the worst; I appreciate the changes you've brought. But I forgot what it was like to be wishing for the boy, instead of in the arms of one.
I've been able to occupy myself these days, busying with a job search, friends, personal stuff... It's been good. I guess this is the self discovery I've been trying for this whole summer.
I've rediscovered my independence. I wasn't sure if it had been lost at all, because every time we were apart, I'd miss you and wish I could go back to the time that we were together. But now, I've accepted your temporary absence, and I'm not wishing to go back to when we were together. The difference between now and then has been established, and I'm only thinking of the future.
I never want to be away from you, because I love you more than you know. You've changed me a lot, but not completely. I'm still the same girl that at this time last year, self discovery was all that mattered.
You are going to be welcomed home with open arms. My arms are going to take us to a completely different place in that moment, where we are the only habitants. But I think for the future, I'll learn to appreciate your presence more, and have your absence not be such a devastating affair.
I am an independent woman, and I have friends that I love. Family that I love. Things to do that I love. This was the test to see if any of these things have been lost... but I don't think it has. All of these things can keep me stable when you're not here. And I think that's okay... it makes me confident that we can last a very long time since we won't lose anything in the process of forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Of course, unlike last time you were gone, I'm not upset. This is because I know that you can't reach me that easily, and you're distracted by having so much fun at camp. I miss you like crazy, and I cannot wait for you to be home. The thought of you just seems so unreal now, because I only see you in my dreams, and in my daily thoughts (and when I stalk you on facebook, of course). It breaks my heart to sit here and wish you were here, and yet I can do nothing about it.
But I think your absence has an advantage. I've kind of rediscovered how to be alone, and the girl I was before I met you. I'm definitely not saying you've changed me for the worst; I appreciate the changes you've brought. But I forgot what it was like to be wishing for the boy, instead of in the arms of one.
I've been able to occupy myself these days, busying with a job search, friends, personal stuff... It's been good. I guess this is the self discovery I've been trying for this whole summer.
I've rediscovered my independence. I wasn't sure if it had been lost at all, because every time we were apart, I'd miss you and wish I could go back to the time that we were together. But now, I've accepted your temporary absence, and I'm not wishing to go back to when we were together. The difference between now and then has been established, and I'm only thinking of the future.
I never want to be away from you, because I love you more than you know. You've changed me a lot, but not completely. I'm still the same girl that at this time last year, self discovery was all that mattered.
You are going to be welcomed home with open arms. My arms are going to take us to a completely different place in that moment, where we are the only habitants. But I think for the future, I'll learn to appreciate your presence more, and have your absence not be such a devastating affair.
I am an independent woman, and I have friends that I love. Family that I love. Things to do that I love. This was the test to see if any of these things have been lost... but I don't think it has. All of these things can keep me stable when you're not here. And I think that's okay... it makes me confident that we can last a very long time since we won't lose anything in the process of forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Now Baby I Believe This is Real
... is a line from the chorus of "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry, a new song that I'm obsessed with. Now usually I hate Katy Perry's music, but suddenly this, and California Gurls, have started to grow on me.
So, this song kind of inspired me to write. How I'm interpreting this song is that there is a young love that is almost every teenager dreams about. The line "You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream", and I guess this teenage dream is one where teens fall in love and things are happy and they work out.
I like how this song embraces the naivety of our kind: the teenagers. The lines like "You think I'm pretty without any make up on" or "Imma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans" are something only a teenager would think. I believe these lines represent the mind of a teenager perfectly : we are old enough to think these thoughts, unlike children, though young enough to think these simple thoughts.
Us, as teens, are in this amazing stage of life where our minds can be so open to anything, and it's difficult for us to be realistic. We can dream of this plans to take us somewhere in life and believe that we really have everything worked out. Even though we really don't, most of the time.
But no one should stop us from our dreams because we are too young. Seriously, reach for the seemingly impossible. If we are going to make mistakes, it should be now, when we can. And when is the next time we're going to have time to think of these incredible thoughts, let alone have the time to live them out? We have time to day dream and imagine.
What are you day-dreaming?
As usual, I'm thinking about the future that I think I have figured out. I'm thinking about being a nurse or a doctor. I'm thinking about living in a really pretty and big house. I'm thinking about being with him forever. I'm thinking about the places I want to go. I'm thinking about what everyone else is going to do.
Make a wish now, because shooting stars don't last that long.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
So, this song kind of inspired me to write. How I'm interpreting this song is that there is a young love that is almost every teenager dreams about. The line "You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream", and I guess this teenage dream is one where teens fall in love and things are happy and they work out.
I like how this song embraces the naivety of our kind: the teenagers. The lines like "You think I'm pretty without any make up on" or "Imma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans" are something only a teenager would think. I believe these lines represent the mind of a teenager perfectly : we are old enough to think these thoughts, unlike children, though young enough to think these simple thoughts.
Us, as teens, are in this amazing stage of life where our minds can be so open to anything, and it's difficult for us to be realistic. We can dream of this plans to take us somewhere in life and believe that we really have everything worked out. Even though we really don't, most of the time.
But no one should stop us from our dreams because we are too young. Seriously, reach for the seemingly impossible. If we are going to make mistakes, it should be now, when we can. And when is the next time we're going to have time to think of these incredible thoughts, let alone have the time to live them out? We have time to day dream and imagine.
What are you day-dreaming?
As usual, I'm thinking about the future that I think I have figured out. I'm thinking about being a nurse or a doctor. I'm thinking about living in a really pretty and big house. I'm thinking about being with him forever. I'm thinking about the places I want to go. I'm thinking about what everyone else is going to do.
Make a wish now, because shooting stars don't last that long.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, August 6, 2010
Everything Would Be Lost
... if I didn't have them.
Okay, so I'm stealing this stolen idea. life.is.beautiful came up with it first, then the.(beautiful).let.down stole it. Well, I'm next in the chain. I hope this inspires you too to appreciate the one thing that keeps us holding on : Friends.
I think there have only been rare occasions where I've actually felt accepted : this year, and grade 7. All of the other years I spent my time trying not to drown in the instability and insecurity within myself.
Take grade nine, for example. I arrived at a school where most of my friends were not going, except for two that... I wouldn't be anywhere without. I love them, and they love me, but during grade nine... I felt like they could move on and find other friends.. while I was just stuck. I was stuck and scared and took it out on myself. I realize now that people had been trying to reach out to me, but because of my intrapersonal problems, I couldn't accept them. I couldn't accept the fact that someone wanted to know me. Wanting to control everything, I kept people at a distance.
But somehow, those people stayed. I have no idea why. They deserve so much better than how I treated them, and how I treated myself. How could one of those people I pushed away so much be the first I'd truly love?
So, I've categorized.
TO OLD FRIENDS : You knew me before high school, maybe even back to first grade. You've stuck by me, knowing my every flaw and imperfection. I love you for that. And even though you've been with me a long time, I'll never take you for granted. Every day you send a beautiful smile my way, and you're showing me how to be okay, even after everything.
You are my twin, and you know what I mean by DJ4EVA.
You are my sun, and you shine and make me soo happy.
I believe that if old friends have made it this far, I know we can really be friends forever.
TO NEW FRIENDS : You met me during grade nine and ten. Some of you have known me at my absolute worst. I may have been rude to you in grade nine... but like I said, you lovely people have stuck by me. You stayed just in time to really learn who I am, without the eating disorder. And to the people I know now... you make me feel so secure. You've welcomed me into your friend group... and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. It's so much fun to learn about each of you, and things we have in common. This includes everyone, boys and girls. Thank you so much for accepting me, and I'll be here for you no matter what.
TO A NEW BEST FRIEND : All I can say is that you've saved me from myself. You've showed me that I can sing, no matter how much I doubt the fact. You're a strong girl and I know you can do anything. Thank you for listening to me cry... on multiple occasions (I just realized I've cried in front of you like.. three times)
TO MY FIRST LOVE : You mean everything to me. I hope you know that. Over these months we've experienced many things... but I still remember every single word. Every single touch. Every single smell. Every single taste. Every single time you've said that you love me.
KAYYY TRUEEE It is currently 1:15 am. WELP. This was heartfelt.. but I think it was necessary. I get this euphoric feeling every time I think of the void that was filled this year. Thank you, once again, to every single person.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Okay, so I'm stealing this stolen idea. life.is.beautiful came up with it first, then the.(beautiful).let.down stole it. Well, I'm next in the chain. I hope this inspires you too to appreciate the one thing that keeps us holding on : Friends.
I think there have only been rare occasions where I've actually felt accepted : this year, and grade 7. All of the other years I spent my time trying not to drown in the instability and insecurity within myself.
Take grade nine, for example. I arrived at a school where most of my friends were not going, except for two that... I wouldn't be anywhere without. I love them, and they love me, but during grade nine... I felt like they could move on and find other friends.. while I was just stuck. I was stuck and scared and took it out on myself. I realize now that people had been trying to reach out to me, but because of my intrapersonal problems, I couldn't accept them. I couldn't accept the fact that someone wanted to know me. Wanting to control everything, I kept people at a distance.
But somehow, those people stayed. I have no idea why. They deserve so much better than how I treated them, and how I treated myself. How could one of those people I pushed away so much be the first I'd truly love?
So, I've categorized.
TO OLD FRIENDS : You knew me before high school, maybe even back to first grade. You've stuck by me, knowing my every flaw and imperfection. I love you for that. And even though you've been with me a long time, I'll never take you for granted. Every day you send a beautiful smile my way, and you're showing me how to be okay, even after everything.
You are my twin, and you know what I mean by DJ4EVA.
You are my sun, and you shine and make me soo happy.
I believe that if old friends have made it this far, I know we can really be friends forever.
TO NEW FRIENDS : You met me during grade nine and ten. Some of you have known me at my absolute worst. I may have been rude to you in grade nine... but like I said, you lovely people have stuck by me. You stayed just in time to really learn who I am, without the eating disorder. And to the people I know now... you make me feel so secure. You've welcomed me into your friend group... and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. It's so much fun to learn about each of you, and things we have in common. This includes everyone, boys and girls. Thank you so much for accepting me, and I'll be here for you no matter what.
TO A NEW BEST FRIEND : All I can say is that you've saved me from myself. You've showed me that I can sing, no matter how much I doubt the fact. You're a strong girl and I know you can do anything. Thank you for listening to me cry... on multiple occasions (I just realized I've cried in front of you like.. three times)
TO MY FIRST LOVE : You mean everything to me. I hope you know that. Over these months we've experienced many things... but I still remember every single word. Every single touch. Every single smell. Every single taste. Every single time you've said that you love me.
KAYYY TRUEEE It is currently 1:15 am. WELP. This was heartfelt.. but I think it was necessary. I get this euphoric feeling every time I think of the void that was filled this year. Thank you, once again, to every single person.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Love Lost is Love Found
... doesn't really make sense until you really think about it. Or you've experienced it. For example, if you find a guy/girl you really like, and things are going well. So well, that you seem to invest so much time in this person, in hope of getting something in return. Then you discover the heart breaking moment when : 1) she/he already has a mate 2) they just want to be friends 3) she/he is just not that into you.
It sucks... a lot. And it can cause major romantic life set backs. Before I was in a relationship, I was pretty sure I was going to be a nun for the rest of my life. VIRGN4EVA. After getting rejected by the last guy, I was pretty sure that there was no one else out there. (I was wrong, of course.)
But anyway, what I mean by the title is that sometimes you have to get rejected by all of these people in order to actually find the one. Obviously, if there is someone that you are definitely supposed to be with forever, then you can't spend too much time on anybody else. It's really just a process of elimination.
So, if you're one of those people that roll your eyes at couples PDA-ing (like my friends told me they do, because they are jealous .. and this was self-proclaimed by them) , don't give up hope. There is someone out there who is going to love every square inch of your soul.
My second topic, which I suppose kind of relates.. in a way... is a question I've been thinking about.
What's easier : falling in love, or falling out of love?
It depends. At first, there can be obvious choices, as I had thought. But then it's different if you apply it to particular situations. For example, it's difficult to force yourself to fall in love with someone you want to love. The feeling of true love cannot be forced, no matter how much you want it to.
And, on the other hand, trying to fall out of love is difficult, in the situation where you're trying to get over someone. If you're in love still and that other person breaks it off, how are you supposed to deal with that? Especially if you were so sure of them.
In my opinion, both are really difficult situations. It's sad, especially for the other person when they love you, when you're trying your best to love them. And then it's sad again when you have to see the person you love not love you.
My beautifully wise friend once told me something about love. He said that you're truly in love with someone under three conditions :
1) You'd be okay without anyone else but this someone forever.
2) You'd marry this someone.
3) You'd die for this someone.
Is he right? I like to think so. I guess it's about how much you can sacrifice for the one you love.
Who knows. All I know is it's best to wait for the one you truly love, so that you can be in love forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
It sucks... a lot. And it can cause major romantic life set backs. Before I was in a relationship, I was pretty sure I was going to be a nun for the rest of my life. VIRGN4EVA. After getting rejected by the last guy, I was pretty sure that there was no one else out there. (I was wrong, of course.)
But anyway, what I mean by the title is that sometimes you have to get rejected by all of these people in order to actually find the one. Obviously, if there is someone that you are definitely supposed to be with forever, then you can't spend too much time on anybody else. It's really just a process of elimination.
So, if you're one of those people that roll your eyes at couples PDA-ing (like my friends told me they do, because they are jealous .. and this was self-proclaimed by them) , don't give up hope. There is someone out there who is going to love every square inch of your soul.
My second topic, which I suppose kind of relates.. in a way... is a question I've been thinking about.
What's easier : falling in love, or falling out of love?
It depends. At first, there can be obvious choices, as I had thought. But then it's different if you apply it to particular situations. For example, it's difficult to force yourself to fall in love with someone you want to love. The feeling of true love cannot be forced, no matter how much you want it to.
And, on the other hand, trying to fall out of love is difficult, in the situation where you're trying to get over someone. If you're in love still and that other person breaks it off, how are you supposed to deal with that? Especially if you were so sure of them.
In my opinion, both are really difficult situations. It's sad, especially for the other person when they love you, when you're trying your best to love them. And then it's sad again when you have to see the person you love not love you.
My beautifully wise friend once told me something about love. He said that you're truly in love with someone under three conditions :
1) You'd be okay without anyone else but this someone forever.
2) You'd marry this someone.
3) You'd die for this someone.
Is he right? I like to think so. I guess it's about how much you can sacrifice for the one you love.
Who knows. All I know is it's best to wait for the one you truly love, so that you can be in love forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Monday, August 2, 2010
Acceptance
... of the things I can't change is necessary to keep my head on straight.
I'm really glad I realized this before I totally went insane. Sometimes, it just is what it is. I had to learn this the hard way through one mind racking week, imagining scenarios in my little girl head that just made me more upset than I already was.
So, we didn't talk for a week despite my efforts of communication. I kept myself totally occupied so the painful thoughts of him not seeming to care didn't seep in... but they always did, eventually.
Obviously, I seriously over analyzed everything, like I always do. I made up severely ridiculous theories like he was going to break up with me, or he thought I was just a convenience or something.
Surprisingly, it only took one rational conversation with him to calm my shit. He loves me still and cares about me, even if he didn't call. It's just not his thing, and I guess he thought I got that.
I suppose I do now, though. Well, I'm trying to accept it... it's all I can do. I know people say it all of the time, that there are so many things in life that we can't change and we have to accept. But these people are right: to be happier, you just change what you can and accept what you can't change.
It really applies to everything... making the best of the situation. This summer, I had no big plans for vacations.. but I just do little day to day things. Just do what you can, and you can always still have fun and be happy.
Oh, what a week can do. It's weird, having a new understanding just from a small event if your life.
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE , KIDS !
Lame.
I am so lame, it's great.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I'm really glad I realized this before I totally went insane. Sometimes, it just is what it is. I had to learn this the hard way through one mind racking week, imagining scenarios in my little girl head that just made me more upset than I already was.
So, we didn't talk for a week despite my efforts of communication. I kept myself totally occupied so the painful thoughts of him not seeming to care didn't seep in... but they always did, eventually.
Obviously, I seriously over analyzed everything, like I always do. I made up severely ridiculous theories like he was going to break up with me, or he thought I was just a convenience or something.
Surprisingly, it only took one rational conversation with him to calm my shit. He loves me still and cares about me, even if he didn't call. It's just not his thing, and I guess he thought I got that.
I suppose I do now, though. Well, I'm trying to accept it... it's all I can do. I know people say it all of the time, that there are so many things in life that we can't change and we have to accept. But these people are right: to be happier, you just change what you can and accept what you can't change.
It really applies to everything... making the best of the situation. This summer, I had no big plans for vacations.. but I just do little day to day things. Just do what you can, and you can always still have fun and be happy.
Oh, what a week can do. It's weird, having a new understanding just from a small event if your life.
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE , KIDS !
Lame.
I am so lame, it's great.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
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