... it didn't stick with me.
I went to a Catholic school for 10 years: baptism, first communion, confession, confirmation and all. I was a good little catholic girl, praying to God every night and going to church on Sundays.
Then high school happened.
After that, I really found it hard to value the beliefs that Catholics have. This blog post is not going to bash the Catholic religion of course... in fact, I wish I could believe.
I did some quick research and found a religion I could follow: realism. I know nothing more about this religion than believing in what you can see and what can be proved by science and logic.
But the question is: What makes you happier: believing in something or not believing anything that can't be proved?
Believing in nothing makes sense in my mind. You go with what you see, you hope with what hope is presented to you. Science explains everything in my mind. Science AND logic. Your religion, or maybe lack thereof, is right in front of you: hardcore facts that aren't faith based.
I like these things. I like knowing for sure.. because when I don't, I feel like I can't fully understand.
I find it impossible to believe in things that can't be explained. There has to be a logical reason for everything. It's just easier that way.
I don't fully understand the Catholic religion. They are so nice to us who comply, and yet so horrible because it doesn't accept homosexuality among other things. Isn't Jesus supposed to love us all?
But honestly, I wish I could believe in something. I wish I could have faith in something that can't be proved... it's a more comforting life to lead. You're not so lonely, because God is always there to hear your prayers. You can pray to him for a miracle to happen, to save the ones you love. You can believe in a better place after death, instead of nothingness and your soul being banished forever.
Those are the things I like about the Catholic religion. But I just can't fully believe with my whole heart in those things. I can only find comfort in what I can see in front of me.
Does this make me a bad person? And I know that religion is a sensitive topic, so I apologize if I offended anyone. Except not really.
Because this is what I believe in.
I hate how people are so torn by religion. That's all it does it divide people. Religion makes war. How does that even make sense, when religion is held so high?
And how does Jesus' face just show up in random places like on a dog or on a piece of grilled cheese?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Is It Possible
... to more than love someone? And if so, what would you call it?
It's like asking what you'd call the place beyond the solar system. Is it still called space, even into the black nothingness? And where does it begin?
Just like space, you never know where love begins and ends. Space could begin right infront of your face, just like love at first sight. And contrary to some belief, love can last forever just like space does, going on and on and on even after life has finished and all you're left with is nothing.
I bring this up because I had the impulse to tell him that I more than love him. I decided not to, because I wouldn't have an explanation as to what I meant by that. I can only explain that telling him that I love him doesn't feel like enough.
For most people, taking the leap from "I like you" to "I love you" is a huge deal. It's usually a mile stone for the relationship, and it taken seriously (The first time he told me he loves me was January 15..) See what I mean? It's a big deal, because there's a huge difference between saying "I really like you" and "I love you".
So would it be a bigger deal to take the step and say "I more than love you." ? Theoretically, saying that would totally change the relationship, if it was anything compared to the difference between like and love.
I want it to be a big difference.. I just have to find a new verb to suit it first. I want it to mean everything to me and him. I want it to make him know that I'm asking for forever.
Oh, how too young we are. Irrational, imaginative, naive. That's why I try to take it day by day, enjoying the now as opposed to the potential. Because nothing is guaranteed, on either side.
Side note.
I never want to forget the millions of stars as we kissed in your arms.
I never want to forget the smell of the air and the colours of the trees.
I never want to forget the things we laughed at and the things that we ate.
I never want to forget how we stayed up until 4am in the dark under the starlight.
Because I never want to forget the day I more than loved you.
Well, as lame as I am.
-K
It's like asking what you'd call the place beyond the solar system. Is it still called space, even into the black nothingness? And where does it begin?
Just like space, you never know where love begins and ends. Space could begin right infront of your face, just like love at first sight. And contrary to some belief, love can last forever just like space does, going on and on and on even after life has finished and all you're left with is nothing.
I bring this up because I had the impulse to tell him that I more than love him. I decided not to, because I wouldn't have an explanation as to what I meant by that. I can only explain that telling him that I love him doesn't feel like enough.
For most people, taking the leap from "I like you" to "I love you" is a huge deal. It's usually a mile stone for the relationship, and it taken seriously (The first time he told me he loves me was January 15..) See what I mean? It's a big deal, because there's a huge difference between saying "I really like you" and "I love you".
So would it be a bigger deal to take the step and say "I more than love you." ? Theoretically, saying that would totally change the relationship, if it was anything compared to the difference between like and love.
I want it to be a big difference.. I just have to find a new verb to suit it first. I want it to mean everything to me and him. I want it to make him know that I'm asking for forever.
Oh, how too young we are. Irrational, imaginative, naive. That's why I try to take it day by day, enjoying the now as opposed to the potential. Because nothing is guaranteed, on either side.
Side note.
I never want to forget the millions of stars as we kissed in your arms.
I never want to forget the smell of the air and the colours of the trees.
I never want to forget the things we laughed at and the things that we ate.
I never want to forget how we stayed up until 4am in the dark under the starlight.
Because I never want to forget the day I more than loved you.
Well, as lame as I am.
-K
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm Catching the Next Flight Out of Here
... because this is where summer is, and I'm ready to move on. It's time to stop being scared, and closing my eyes to pretend that summer lasts forever.
I always thought that I needed summer to be happy, like a break from the real world, where I could fall into my alternate reality of the burning sun and cold ice cream. But after this summer, I think I've learned how to deal.
It was nice to have a break from school, that's for sure. I hate the constant stress that the school years bring, increasing with each passing grade. During these hot months, all you had to worry about was when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat... and for some, a temporary summer job. Summer is just a massive vacation for the mind.
But this summer, I've also realized that you miss a lot of people. Everyone is doing their own things, as you are. Schedules never match up, and you end up going weeks without speaking to someone. I guess that's the trade off once you don't have the convenience of school to see each other every day.
I suppose I'm following the lead of Messed One, another fabulous blogger. She's making a change this year, for grade eleven. I think I want to as well.
She wrote about being more honest with people if she has a problem with them; she'll be more straight up with them in order to avoid any more drama than is needed.
I want to do that : pursue the journey of complete honesty. I would be a liar if I said I was going really do this, but I'm not lying in saying that I'll try.
It's time to live. I've figured out who I am by now, and what I am. Last year, at the beginning of the school year, I had just come back from a stint in the hospital. It left me changed, both physically and mentally. Last year was learning who I am and who everyone else is. It was like I was in training; I was learning how everything worked and where and with who I belonged. This year, it's time to live.
This year, it's time to appreciate everything and everyone I have.
This year, it's time to be brutally honest with everyone and myself.
This year, it's time to be more organized and succeed in school.
This year, it's time to think about the years to come.
This year, it's time to love and be loved.
This year, it's time to live in the moment, every single moment.
There is just so much to look forward to: friends' birthdays, autumn, dance, school activities, UVRing, Christmas... that's about as far as I can think right now.
As I sit here it is 7:22 pm on Labour day Monday, I come to a somewhat solemn realization: summer is really over. It's a bit sad, but at least I know one thing:
My flight leaves in 4 hours and 38 minutes, and it's taking me to a whole new place.
A place I think I'll love.
Have fun in school, kids.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I always thought that I needed summer to be happy, like a break from the real world, where I could fall into my alternate reality of the burning sun and cold ice cream. But after this summer, I think I've learned how to deal.
It was nice to have a break from school, that's for sure. I hate the constant stress that the school years bring, increasing with each passing grade. During these hot months, all you had to worry about was when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat... and for some, a temporary summer job. Summer is just a massive vacation for the mind.
But this summer, I've also realized that you miss a lot of people. Everyone is doing their own things, as you are. Schedules never match up, and you end up going weeks without speaking to someone. I guess that's the trade off once you don't have the convenience of school to see each other every day.
I suppose I'm following the lead of Messed One, another fabulous blogger. She's making a change this year, for grade eleven. I think I want to as well.
She wrote about being more honest with people if she has a problem with them; she'll be more straight up with them in order to avoid any more drama than is needed.
I want to do that : pursue the journey of complete honesty. I would be a liar if I said I was going really do this, but I'm not lying in saying that I'll try.
It's time to live. I've figured out who I am by now, and what I am. Last year, at the beginning of the school year, I had just come back from a stint in the hospital. It left me changed, both physically and mentally. Last year was learning who I am and who everyone else is. It was like I was in training; I was learning how everything worked and where and with who I belonged. This year, it's time to live.
This year, it's time to appreciate everything and everyone I have.
This year, it's time to be brutally honest with everyone and myself.
This year, it's time to be more organized and succeed in school.
This year, it's time to think about the years to come.
This year, it's time to love and be loved.
This year, it's time to live in the moment, every single moment.
There is just so much to look forward to: friends' birthdays, autumn, dance, school activities, UVRing, Christmas... that's about as far as I can think right now.
As I sit here it is 7:22 pm on Labour day Monday, I come to a somewhat solemn realization: summer is really over. It's a bit sad, but at least I know one thing:
My flight leaves in 4 hours and 38 minutes, and it's taking me to a whole new place.
A place I think I'll love.
Have fun in school, kids.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, September 3, 2010
Home
... is a place where you never feel alone. Home is where you can say or do anything, and not regret it.
I hate that feeling of being far from home. In my opinion, home is not your physical house, but the emotional things that are the collection of our lives. Home is the happiest place on the planet, far better than any luxurious hotel, placid beach or sparkling city.
There is no better place to create the most colourful memories than right where your home is, and with who your home is.
To me
Home is staying up until 3am with my two best friends.
Home is being out and lively with the wonderful people I surround myself with.
Home is all of the stuff that we all talk about.
Home is being in his arms.
Home is my family.
Home is being there for others who cannot find their way home.
Sometimes, you have to show lost ones the way. I've been lost, and sometimes, I really think I still am. But I've been lost enough to know how to manage. There's no worse feeling than the one of being far from home, just wanting to go back.
Whose home are you?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I hate that feeling of being far from home. In my opinion, home is not your physical house, but the emotional things that are the collection of our lives. Home is the happiest place on the planet, far better than any luxurious hotel, placid beach or sparkling city.
There is no better place to create the most colourful memories than right where your home is, and with who your home is.
To me
Home is staying up until 3am with my two best friends.
Home is being out and lively with the wonderful people I surround myself with.
Home is all of the stuff that we all talk about.
Home is being in his arms.
Home is my family.
Home is being there for others who cannot find their way home.
Sometimes, you have to show lost ones the way. I've been lost, and sometimes, I really think I still am. But I've been lost enough to know how to manage. There's no worse feeling than the one of being far from home, just wanting to go back.
Whose home are you?
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Glass House
... is something that I keep to myself. My glass house is my sanctuary for feelings, thoughts, wants, and fears. My glass house is the most important thing in the world to me, and I hate when it's at risk of damage.
Right now, I feel as if there's a category 5 hurricane on the horizon ready to destroy my glass house.
I would be devastated if anything happened to it. For my whole life it has undergone many changes and renovations, reparations and improvements. I live alone in my glass house, under the protection of the cool, delicate surface.
But the problem is that I keep all of my most treasured things in my glass house, and any threat to it makes me panic. The thin, breakable walls just might, at any moment, give to the constant pressure.
See, my glass house was built on a beach near the ocean, surrounded by many other glass houses. They were all like mine, but each unique in their own way. Sometimes, I love living on the beach. Hot, sunny days are spent enjoying the peace and happiness living in the moment. These days, everything goes right.
But then sometimes, hurricanes roll through and it's a horrible time for my glass house. The high winds and rain threaten to shatter the walls and harm everything inside. Everything I hold so dearly to my heart.
I never know what to do when disaster strikes. Sometimes I choose to help break down the walls in spite of myself, just to get the pain over with. But sometimes, I can repare the broken walls. That is, with enough effort. I'm just afraid because I make the same mistake every time I try to repare the glass in the walls, since it's always the same things that break them.
I know I don't have a really beautiful glass house like some others do, but I like mine. It's the house I built myself, and the one I'm stuck with forever. I love it, and hate it at the same time; through the holes in the walls I can feel the cold air from outside creeping in. It makes it hard to sleep in my pretty house.
Sometimes I wish I could just move in to another glass house with someone else.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Right now, I feel as if there's a category 5 hurricane on the horizon ready to destroy my glass house.
I would be devastated if anything happened to it. For my whole life it has undergone many changes and renovations, reparations and improvements. I live alone in my glass house, under the protection of the cool, delicate surface.
But the problem is that I keep all of my most treasured things in my glass house, and any threat to it makes me panic. The thin, breakable walls just might, at any moment, give to the constant pressure.
See, my glass house was built on a beach near the ocean, surrounded by many other glass houses. They were all like mine, but each unique in their own way. Sometimes, I love living on the beach. Hot, sunny days are spent enjoying the peace and happiness living in the moment. These days, everything goes right.
But then sometimes, hurricanes roll through and it's a horrible time for my glass house. The high winds and rain threaten to shatter the walls and harm everything inside. Everything I hold so dearly to my heart.
I never know what to do when disaster strikes. Sometimes I choose to help break down the walls in spite of myself, just to get the pain over with. But sometimes, I can repare the broken walls. That is, with enough effort. I'm just afraid because I make the same mistake every time I try to repare the glass in the walls, since it's always the same things that break them.
I know I don't have a really beautiful glass house like some others do, but I like mine. It's the house I built myself, and the one I'm stuck with forever. I love it, and hate it at the same time; through the holes in the walls I can feel the cold air from outside creeping in. It makes it hard to sleep in my pretty house.
Sometimes I wish I could just move in to another glass house with someone else.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, August 20, 2010
Time to Wake Up
... and realize you're going to be obligated to get out of bed before noon starting in about two weeks (18 days) because the big S is coming. That's right children: school.
Most people, including myself, just cringe at the prospect of school. We are reminded of the books, the pencils, the schoolwork, the homework, the tests and exams, and the hell that pertains to the constant stress of the student of today.
But, we are also reminded of the good things: seeing friends every day, school sports and clubs, extracirriculars, and the general routine of it all. Personally, the one thing I enjoy about the period between September and July is there's most often something to do at all times. Sometimes summer makes me feel like I'm rotting, and I should really do something productive.
The beginning of school is also the perfect time to change. What are you going to change this year, if anything? Some people might start actually getting serious at school, pledging to actually complete homework and study for every single quiz, exam and test. Some people might be starting a new job for the school year, finally having access to their own money and gaining new skills. And some people might be looking for some new relationships, either romantic or friendship, or both.
I know for sure that it was time to change in my life. I feel like at my age, it's time to start growing up and thinking about my future. My grades are going to count more than ever before, and I also have to start planning financially for university.
A part of me is scared to no end about the future. So much is happening so quickly, and life is changning without my control. But, I always have to remind myself that as long as I keep up with everything, I should survive. I should survive my new courses, extracirriculars, and my new job. Wish me luck.
Think about the changes you can make this year, and actually stick to the promises you make yourself. Set goals, perhaps? Trust me that organization will make your year so much better.
We are all going to have trouble letting go of long summer days and all of the fun we have. But at least we have all of the wonderful memories to hold on to... I know I do.
Thank you to everyone who made my summer the best it has ever been!
Take a deep breath and prepare yourself.
It's time to wake up.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Most people, including myself, just cringe at the prospect of school. We are reminded of the books, the pencils, the schoolwork, the homework, the tests and exams, and the hell that pertains to the constant stress of the student of today.
But, we are also reminded of the good things: seeing friends every day, school sports and clubs, extracirriculars, and the general routine of it all. Personally, the one thing I enjoy about the period between September and July is there's most often something to do at all times. Sometimes summer makes me feel like I'm rotting, and I should really do something productive.
The beginning of school is also the perfect time to change. What are you going to change this year, if anything? Some people might start actually getting serious at school, pledging to actually complete homework and study for every single quiz, exam and test. Some people might be starting a new job for the school year, finally having access to their own money and gaining new skills. And some people might be looking for some new relationships, either romantic or friendship, or both.
I know for sure that it was time to change in my life. I feel like at my age, it's time to start growing up and thinking about my future. My grades are going to count more than ever before, and I also have to start planning financially for university.
A part of me is scared to no end about the future. So much is happening so quickly, and life is changning without my control. But, I always have to remind myself that as long as I keep up with everything, I should survive. I should survive my new courses, extracirriculars, and my new job. Wish me luck.
Think about the changes you can make this year, and actually stick to the promises you make yourself. Set goals, perhaps? Trust me that organization will make your year so much better.
We are all going to have trouble letting go of long summer days and all of the fun we have. But at least we have all of the wonderful memories to hold on to... I know I do.
Thank you to everyone who made my summer the best it has ever been!
Take a deep breath and prepare yourself.
It's time to wake up.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
You're Starting to Feel Like a Dream
... because you've been gone so long.
Of course, unlike last time you were gone, I'm not upset. This is because I know that you can't reach me that easily, and you're distracted by having so much fun at camp. I miss you like crazy, and I cannot wait for you to be home. The thought of you just seems so unreal now, because I only see you in my dreams, and in my daily thoughts (and when I stalk you on facebook, of course). It breaks my heart to sit here and wish you were here, and yet I can do nothing about it.
But I think your absence has an advantage. I've kind of rediscovered how to be alone, and the girl I was before I met you. I'm definitely not saying you've changed me for the worst; I appreciate the changes you've brought. But I forgot what it was like to be wishing for the boy, instead of in the arms of one.
I've been able to occupy myself these days, busying with a job search, friends, personal stuff... It's been good. I guess this is the self discovery I've been trying for this whole summer.
I've rediscovered my independence. I wasn't sure if it had been lost at all, because every time we were apart, I'd miss you and wish I could go back to the time that we were together. But now, I've accepted your temporary absence, and I'm not wishing to go back to when we were together. The difference between now and then has been established, and I'm only thinking of the future.
I never want to be away from you, because I love you more than you know. You've changed me a lot, but not completely. I'm still the same girl that at this time last year, self discovery was all that mattered.
You are going to be welcomed home with open arms. My arms are going to take us to a completely different place in that moment, where we are the only habitants. But I think for the future, I'll learn to appreciate your presence more, and have your absence not be such a devastating affair.
I am an independent woman, and I have friends that I love. Family that I love. Things to do that I love. This was the test to see if any of these things have been lost... but I don't think it has. All of these things can keep me stable when you're not here. And I think that's okay... it makes me confident that we can last a very long time since we won't lose anything in the process of forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Of course, unlike last time you were gone, I'm not upset. This is because I know that you can't reach me that easily, and you're distracted by having so much fun at camp. I miss you like crazy, and I cannot wait for you to be home. The thought of you just seems so unreal now, because I only see you in my dreams, and in my daily thoughts (and when I stalk you on facebook, of course). It breaks my heart to sit here and wish you were here, and yet I can do nothing about it.
But I think your absence has an advantage. I've kind of rediscovered how to be alone, and the girl I was before I met you. I'm definitely not saying you've changed me for the worst; I appreciate the changes you've brought. But I forgot what it was like to be wishing for the boy, instead of in the arms of one.
I've been able to occupy myself these days, busying with a job search, friends, personal stuff... It's been good. I guess this is the self discovery I've been trying for this whole summer.
I've rediscovered my independence. I wasn't sure if it had been lost at all, because every time we were apart, I'd miss you and wish I could go back to the time that we were together. But now, I've accepted your temporary absence, and I'm not wishing to go back to when we were together. The difference between now and then has been established, and I'm only thinking of the future.
I never want to be away from you, because I love you more than you know. You've changed me a lot, but not completely. I'm still the same girl that at this time last year, self discovery was all that mattered.
You are going to be welcomed home with open arms. My arms are going to take us to a completely different place in that moment, where we are the only habitants. But I think for the future, I'll learn to appreciate your presence more, and have your absence not be such a devastating affair.
I am an independent woman, and I have friends that I love. Family that I love. Things to do that I love. This was the test to see if any of these things have been lost... but I don't think it has. All of these things can keep me stable when you're not here. And I think that's okay... it makes me confident that we can last a very long time since we won't lose anything in the process of forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Now Baby I Believe This is Real
... is a line from the chorus of "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry, a new song that I'm obsessed with. Now usually I hate Katy Perry's music, but suddenly this, and California Gurls, have started to grow on me.
So, this song kind of inspired me to write. How I'm interpreting this song is that there is a young love that is almost every teenager dreams about. The line "You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream", and I guess this teenage dream is one where teens fall in love and things are happy and they work out.
I like how this song embraces the naivety of our kind: the teenagers. The lines like "You think I'm pretty without any make up on" or "Imma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans" are something only a teenager would think. I believe these lines represent the mind of a teenager perfectly : we are old enough to think these thoughts, unlike children, though young enough to think these simple thoughts.
Us, as teens, are in this amazing stage of life where our minds can be so open to anything, and it's difficult for us to be realistic. We can dream of this plans to take us somewhere in life and believe that we really have everything worked out. Even though we really don't, most of the time.
But no one should stop us from our dreams because we are too young. Seriously, reach for the seemingly impossible. If we are going to make mistakes, it should be now, when we can. And when is the next time we're going to have time to think of these incredible thoughts, let alone have the time to live them out? We have time to day dream and imagine.
What are you day-dreaming?
As usual, I'm thinking about the future that I think I have figured out. I'm thinking about being a nurse or a doctor. I'm thinking about living in a really pretty and big house. I'm thinking about being with him forever. I'm thinking about the places I want to go. I'm thinking about what everyone else is going to do.
Make a wish now, because shooting stars don't last that long.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
So, this song kind of inspired me to write. How I'm interpreting this song is that there is a young love that is almost every teenager dreams about. The line "You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream", and I guess this teenage dream is one where teens fall in love and things are happy and they work out.
I like how this song embraces the naivety of our kind: the teenagers. The lines like "You think I'm pretty without any make up on" or "Imma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans" are something only a teenager would think. I believe these lines represent the mind of a teenager perfectly : we are old enough to think these thoughts, unlike children, though young enough to think these simple thoughts.
Us, as teens, are in this amazing stage of life where our minds can be so open to anything, and it's difficult for us to be realistic. We can dream of this plans to take us somewhere in life and believe that we really have everything worked out. Even though we really don't, most of the time.
But no one should stop us from our dreams because we are too young. Seriously, reach for the seemingly impossible. If we are going to make mistakes, it should be now, when we can. And when is the next time we're going to have time to think of these incredible thoughts, let alone have the time to live them out? We have time to day dream and imagine.
What are you day-dreaming?
As usual, I'm thinking about the future that I think I have figured out. I'm thinking about being a nurse or a doctor. I'm thinking about living in a really pretty and big house. I'm thinking about being with him forever. I'm thinking about the places I want to go. I'm thinking about what everyone else is going to do.
Make a wish now, because shooting stars don't last that long.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, August 6, 2010
Everything Would Be Lost
... if I didn't have them.
Okay, so I'm stealing this stolen idea. life.is.beautiful came up with it first, then the.(beautiful).let.down stole it. Well, I'm next in the chain. I hope this inspires you too to appreciate the one thing that keeps us holding on : Friends.
I think there have only been rare occasions where I've actually felt accepted : this year, and grade 7. All of the other years I spent my time trying not to drown in the instability and insecurity within myself.
Take grade nine, for example. I arrived at a school where most of my friends were not going, except for two that... I wouldn't be anywhere without. I love them, and they love me, but during grade nine... I felt like they could move on and find other friends.. while I was just stuck. I was stuck and scared and took it out on myself. I realize now that people had been trying to reach out to me, but because of my intrapersonal problems, I couldn't accept them. I couldn't accept the fact that someone wanted to know me. Wanting to control everything, I kept people at a distance.
But somehow, those people stayed. I have no idea why. They deserve so much better than how I treated them, and how I treated myself. How could one of those people I pushed away so much be the first I'd truly love?
So, I've categorized.
TO OLD FRIENDS : You knew me before high school, maybe even back to first grade. You've stuck by me, knowing my every flaw and imperfection. I love you for that. And even though you've been with me a long time, I'll never take you for granted. Every day you send a beautiful smile my way, and you're showing me how to be okay, even after everything.
You are my twin, and you know what I mean by DJ4EVA.
You are my sun, and you shine and make me soo happy.
I believe that if old friends have made it this far, I know we can really be friends forever.
TO NEW FRIENDS : You met me during grade nine and ten. Some of you have known me at my absolute worst. I may have been rude to you in grade nine... but like I said, you lovely people have stuck by me. You stayed just in time to really learn who I am, without the eating disorder. And to the people I know now... you make me feel so secure. You've welcomed me into your friend group... and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. It's so much fun to learn about each of you, and things we have in common. This includes everyone, boys and girls. Thank you so much for accepting me, and I'll be here for you no matter what.
TO A NEW BEST FRIEND : All I can say is that you've saved me from myself. You've showed me that I can sing, no matter how much I doubt the fact. You're a strong girl and I know you can do anything. Thank you for listening to me cry... on multiple occasions (I just realized I've cried in front of you like.. three times)
TO MY FIRST LOVE : You mean everything to me. I hope you know that. Over these months we've experienced many things... but I still remember every single word. Every single touch. Every single smell. Every single taste. Every single time you've said that you love me.
KAYYY TRUEEE It is currently 1:15 am. WELP. This was heartfelt.. but I think it was necessary. I get this euphoric feeling every time I think of the void that was filled this year. Thank you, once again, to every single person.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Okay, so I'm stealing this stolen idea. life.is.beautiful came up with it first, then the.(beautiful).let.down stole it. Well, I'm next in the chain. I hope this inspires you too to appreciate the one thing that keeps us holding on : Friends.
I think there have only been rare occasions where I've actually felt accepted : this year, and grade 7. All of the other years I spent my time trying not to drown in the instability and insecurity within myself.
Take grade nine, for example. I arrived at a school where most of my friends were not going, except for two that... I wouldn't be anywhere without. I love them, and they love me, but during grade nine... I felt like they could move on and find other friends.. while I was just stuck. I was stuck and scared and took it out on myself. I realize now that people had been trying to reach out to me, but because of my intrapersonal problems, I couldn't accept them. I couldn't accept the fact that someone wanted to know me. Wanting to control everything, I kept people at a distance.
But somehow, those people stayed. I have no idea why. They deserve so much better than how I treated them, and how I treated myself. How could one of those people I pushed away so much be the first I'd truly love?
So, I've categorized.
TO OLD FRIENDS : You knew me before high school, maybe even back to first grade. You've stuck by me, knowing my every flaw and imperfection. I love you for that. And even though you've been with me a long time, I'll never take you for granted. Every day you send a beautiful smile my way, and you're showing me how to be okay, even after everything.
You are my twin, and you know what I mean by DJ4EVA.
You are my sun, and you shine and make me soo happy.
I believe that if old friends have made it this far, I know we can really be friends forever.
TO NEW FRIENDS : You met me during grade nine and ten. Some of you have known me at my absolute worst. I may have been rude to you in grade nine... but like I said, you lovely people have stuck by me. You stayed just in time to really learn who I am, without the eating disorder. And to the people I know now... you make me feel so secure. You've welcomed me into your friend group... and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. It's so much fun to learn about each of you, and things we have in common. This includes everyone, boys and girls. Thank you so much for accepting me, and I'll be here for you no matter what.
TO A NEW BEST FRIEND : All I can say is that you've saved me from myself. You've showed me that I can sing, no matter how much I doubt the fact. You're a strong girl and I know you can do anything. Thank you for listening to me cry... on multiple occasions (I just realized I've cried in front of you like.. three times)
TO MY FIRST LOVE : You mean everything to me. I hope you know that. Over these months we've experienced many things... but I still remember every single word. Every single touch. Every single smell. Every single taste. Every single time you've said that you love me.
KAYYY TRUEEE It is currently 1:15 am. WELP. This was heartfelt.. but I think it was necessary. I get this euphoric feeling every time I think of the void that was filled this year. Thank you, once again, to every single person.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Love Lost is Love Found
... doesn't really make sense until you really think about it. Or you've experienced it. For example, if you find a guy/girl you really like, and things are going well. So well, that you seem to invest so much time in this person, in hope of getting something in return. Then you discover the heart breaking moment when : 1) she/he already has a mate 2) they just want to be friends 3) she/he is just not that into you.
It sucks... a lot. And it can cause major romantic life set backs. Before I was in a relationship, I was pretty sure I was going to be a nun for the rest of my life. VIRGN4EVA. After getting rejected by the last guy, I was pretty sure that there was no one else out there. (I was wrong, of course.)
But anyway, what I mean by the title is that sometimes you have to get rejected by all of these people in order to actually find the one. Obviously, if there is someone that you are definitely supposed to be with forever, then you can't spend too much time on anybody else. It's really just a process of elimination.
So, if you're one of those people that roll your eyes at couples PDA-ing (like my friends told me they do, because they are jealous .. and this was self-proclaimed by them) , don't give up hope. There is someone out there who is going to love every square inch of your soul.
My second topic, which I suppose kind of relates.. in a way... is a question I've been thinking about.
What's easier : falling in love, or falling out of love?
It depends. At first, there can be obvious choices, as I had thought. But then it's different if you apply it to particular situations. For example, it's difficult to force yourself to fall in love with someone you want to love. The feeling of true love cannot be forced, no matter how much you want it to.
And, on the other hand, trying to fall out of love is difficult, in the situation where you're trying to get over someone. If you're in love still and that other person breaks it off, how are you supposed to deal with that? Especially if you were so sure of them.
In my opinion, both are really difficult situations. It's sad, especially for the other person when they love you, when you're trying your best to love them. And then it's sad again when you have to see the person you love not love you.
My beautifully wise friend once told me something about love. He said that you're truly in love with someone under three conditions :
1) You'd be okay without anyone else but this someone forever.
2) You'd marry this someone.
3) You'd die for this someone.
Is he right? I like to think so. I guess it's about how much you can sacrifice for the one you love.
Who knows. All I know is it's best to wait for the one you truly love, so that you can be in love forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
It sucks... a lot. And it can cause major romantic life set backs. Before I was in a relationship, I was pretty sure I was going to be a nun for the rest of my life. VIRGN4EVA. After getting rejected by the last guy, I was pretty sure that there was no one else out there. (I was wrong, of course.)
But anyway, what I mean by the title is that sometimes you have to get rejected by all of these people in order to actually find the one. Obviously, if there is someone that you are definitely supposed to be with forever, then you can't spend too much time on anybody else. It's really just a process of elimination.
So, if you're one of those people that roll your eyes at couples PDA-ing (like my friends told me they do, because they are jealous .. and this was self-proclaimed by them) , don't give up hope. There is someone out there who is going to love every square inch of your soul.
My second topic, which I suppose kind of relates.. in a way... is a question I've been thinking about.
What's easier : falling in love, or falling out of love?
It depends. At first, there can be obvious choices, as I had thought. But then it's different if you apply it to particular situations. For example, it's difficult to force yourself to fall in love with someone you want to love. The feeling of true love cannot be forced, no matter how much you want it to.
And, on the other hand, trying to fall out of love is difficult, in the situation where you're trying to get over someone. If you're in love still and that other person breaks it off, how are you supposed to deal with that? Especially if you were so sure of them.
In my opinion, both are really difficult situations. It's sad, especially for the other person when they love you, when you're trying your best to love them. And then it's sad again when you have to see the person you love not love you.
My beautifully wise friend once told me something about love. He said that you're truly in love with someone under three conditions :
1) You'd be okay without anyone else but this someone forever.
2) You'd marry this someone.
3) You'd die for this someone.
Is he right? I like to think so. I guess it's about how much you can sacrifice for the one you love.
Who knows. All I know is it's best to wait for the one you truly love, so that you can be in love forever.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Monday, August 2, 2010
Acceptance
... of the things I can't change is necessary to keep my head on straight.
I'm really glad I realized this before I totally went insane. Sometimes, it just is what it is. I had to learn this the hard way through one mind racking week, imagining scenarios in my little girl head that just made me more upset than I already was.
So, we didn't talk for a week despite my efforts of communication. I kept myself totally occupied so the painful thoughts of him not seeming to care didn't seep in... but they always did, eventually.
Obviously, I seriously over analyzed everything, like I always do. I made up severely ridiculous theories like he was going to break up with me, or he thought I was just a convenience or something.
Surprisingly, it only took one rational conversation with him to calm my shit. He loves me still and cares about me, even if he didn't call. It's just not his thing, and I guess he thought I got that.
I suppose I do now, though. Well, I'm trying to accept it... it's all I can do. I know people say it all of the time, that there are so many things in life that we can't change and we have to accept. But these people are right: to be happier, you just change what you can and accept what you can't change.
It really applies to everything... making the best of the situation. This summer, I had no big plans for vacations.. but I just do little day to day things. Just do what you can, and you can always still have fun and be happy.
Oh, what a week can do. It's weird, having a new understanding just from a small event if your life.
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE , KIDS !
Lame.
I am so lame, it's great.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I'm really glad I realized this before I totally went insane. Sometimes, it just is what it is. I had to learn this the hard way through one mind racking week, imagining scenarios in my little girl head that just made me more upset than I already was.
So, we didn't talk for a week despite my efforts of communication. I kept myself totally occupied so the painful thoughts of him not seeming to care didn't seep in... but they always did, eventually.
Obviously, I seriously over analyzed everything, like I always do. I made up severely ridiculous theories like he was going to break up with me, or he thought I was just a convenience or something.
Surprisingly, it only took one rational conversation with him to calm my shit. He loves me still and cares about me, even if he didn't call. It's just not his thing, and I guess he thought I got that.
I suppose I do now, though. Well, I'm trying to accept it... it's all I can do. I know people say it all of the time, that there are so many things in life that we can't change and we have to accept. But these people are right: to be happier, you just change what you can and accept what you can't change.
It really applies to everything... making the best of the situation. This summer, I had no big plans for vacations.. but I just do little day to day things. Just do what you can, and you can always still have fun and be happy.
Oh, what a week can do. It's weird, having a new understanding just from a small event if your life.
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE , KIDS !
Lame.
I am so lame, it's great.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Stand Up
... because discrimination, bullying and rejecting people who are considered "different" is not okay. It is so far from it.
Specifically, I'm talking about people and their sexuality. For so long, the norm of sexuality was being straight, and people think it's the only way. But we need to wake up and see the change.
I'm writing this from the perspective of someone who is straight. I didn't come to that conclusion automatically; I've taken some consideration into the possibilities. But I know who I am, and society easily accepts it. So why can't they do the same for bisexuals/gays/lesbians/transgendered?
In recent times I've had more exposure to the new world, as I call it, which consists of more and more people coming out to be who they really are. I like this new world. Fortunately, I was brought into the new world to be accepting of everyone, no matter what. I think people need to be accepting too.
Honestly, LGBTs are not different than anyone else. They shouldn't even be called different, just because being lesbian, gay, transgendered or bisexual is slightly less common than being straight. Then again, maybe it isn't, and never was.
I think the thought of being LGBT is not a new idea, but people are less afraid to come out than ever before. Which, in fact, is a step in the right direction.
But there are still those who cannot easily accept this idea. They were fed thoughts of supposed normalcy for too long: a man born a man is a man who marries a woman born a woman. But, in this new world, things are different.
I can't say I know exactly what it's like, but all I can infer is that to follow the supposed "normal" trend of everyone else doesn't feel right for someone who is lesbian, gay, transgender, or bisexual.
You need to do whatever makes you feel happy. People like me will be here for you. Although there are those who say horrible things like "THIS IS SO HOMO" (like there's something wrong with homosexuality) or that there is something wrong with homosexuals. Just know this: there is something wrong with THEM, not you.
For those out there who are struggling with deciding your own sexuality, considering bisexuality, or dealing with coming out... two words.
Be strong.
Someone loves you.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Specifically, I'm talking about people and their sexuality. For so long, the norm of sexuality was being straight, and people think it's the only way. But we need to wake up and see the change.
I'm writing this from the perspective of someone who is straight. I didn't come to that conclusion automatically; I've taken some consideration into the possibilities. But I know who I am, and society easily accepts it. So why can't they do the same for bisexuals/gays/lesbians/transgendered?
In recent times I've had more exposure to the new world, as I call it, which consists of more and more people coming out to be who they really are. I like this new world. Fortunately, I was brought into the new world to be accepting of everyone, no matter what. I think people need to be accepting too.
Honestly, LGBTs are not different than anyone else. They shouldn't even be called different, just because being lesbian, gay, transgendered or bisexual is slightly less common than being straight. Then again, maybe it isn't, and never was.
I think the thought of being LGBT is not a new idea, but people are less afraid to come out than ever before. Which, in fact, is a step in the right direction.
But there are still those who cannot easily accept this idea. They were fed thoughts of supposed normalcy for too long: a man born a man is a man who marries a woman born a woman. But, in this new world, things are different.
I can't say I know exactly what it's like, but all I can infer is that to follow the supposed "normal" trend of everyone else doesn't feel right for someone who is lesbian, gay, transgender, or bisexual.
You need to do whatever makes you feel happy. People like me will be here for you. Although there are those who say horrible things like "THIS IS SO HOMO" (like there's something wrong with homosexuality) or that there is something wrong with homosexuals. Just know this: there is something wrong with THEM, not you.
For those out there who are struggling with deciding your own sexuality, considering bisexuality, or dealing with coming out... two words.
Be strong.
Someone loves you.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Soon, it Will be Just Another Empty Room
... or atleast one furnished with completely different things suited to the owner's liking. Paintings were taken down, furniture moved out, but memories not erased.
I have this strange feeling of attachment to my boyfriend's soon-to-be ex house. He's moving to a new, bigger and better place after living in his house for almost five or six years. I mean, his place for the small moment is beautiful, but his next place is larger than life.
It's weird: I think I'm going to miss this house more than his parents are, just by the way they talk about leaving, and the new house. I can't say the same for my boyfriend, since he says that he's going to miss it. He grew up a lot here, and has had his share of some fun memories.
The memories are why I'm going to miss this house.. this house that doesn't even belong to me. But I think I have valid reason to; many "firsts" happened here.
It's difficult not being able to go back to the place where these things happened; where our relationship transformed into what it is today. This is the first house which I associated with the one I eventually fell in love with.
So many things to remember.
First kiss in the basement near the piano.
First legit surprise party.
First time using the barbeque to make dinner for his family.
First time for... other things...
First time I knew I was in love.
AH. So, as I left his house tonight, I was a little sad. It's always hard leaving something behind that meant something to you. Even if it's not actually yours, I guess it's still possible to develop emotional attachment.
So:
Dear Old House,
Be nice to the new owners, and don't come up with too many problems for them. No leaks, no structural problems, no availability for pests. You will be missed, no matter how excited they all were for the new house.
... I wish I could warn the new owners not to think about what happened in the master bathroom one rainy afternoon...
Wow. I think I've hit creepy rock bottom... you know, writing about my boyfriend's soon-to-be ex house.
For the win.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I have this strange feeling of attachment to my boyfriend's soon-to-be ex house. He's moving to a new, bigger and better place after living in his house for almost five or six years. I mean, his place for the small moment is beautiful, but his next place is larger than life.
It's weird: I think I'm going to miss this house more than his parents are, just by the way they talk about leaving, and the new house. I can't say the same for my boyfriend, since he says that he's going to miss it. He grew up a lot here, and has had his share of some fun memories.
The memories are why I'm going to miss this house.. this house that doesn't even belong to me. But I think I have valid reason to; many "firsts" happened here.
It's difficult not being able to go back to the place where these things happened; where our relationship transformed into what it is today. This is the first house which I associated with the one I eventually fell in love with.
So many things to remember.
First kiss in the basement near the piano.
First legit surprise party.
First time using the barbeque to make dinner for his family.
First time for... other things...
First time I knew I was in love.
AH. So, as I left his house tonight, I was a little sad. It's always hard leaving something behind that meant something to you. Even if it's not actually yours, I guess it's still possible to develop emotional attachment.
So:
Dear Old House,
Be nice to the new owners, and don't come up with too many problems for them. No leaks, no structural problems, no availability for pests. You will be missed, no matter how excited they all were for the new house.
... I wish I could warn the new owners not to think about what happened in the master bathroom one rainy afternoon...
Wow. I think I've hit creepy rock bottom... you know, writing about my boyfriend's soon-to-be ex house.
For the win.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Being Away From Home
... has its upsides and downsides. I've learned that on my vacation away from home so far. Don't get me wrong : I've had a really great time with my mom and my sister, but I miss home already... and it's only been two days.
Now, I'm not only missing home for two days : I know that I still have until next Sunday to miss home. I get to come back for tonight, but then I'm off again to another mystical land of fairies and unicorns.
It's interesting to have a change of scenery for sure. I got to visit a really beautiful beach for which we had the perfect summer day. My skin tanned more, and I got to feel the freshness of the super clear water, and also gotten to eat some DELICIOUS food. It's been a lot of fun, but I miss home.
My summer so far has been really routine oriented. On a regular day with no particular plans (except for maybe seeing my boyfriend in the evening) I'd get up around 9am, have breakfast, go for a powerwalk, have a shower, eat lunch... and the rest of the afternoon was free. It's peaceful. It sounds boring to some people I suppose, and sometimes it is, but it's relaxing. Spending a whole ten months stressing about grades, social life and work really makes you appreciate nothingness a whole lot more. Doing nothing has never been so great in my life.
I've felt really self-concious when people would ask me what I was doing this summer. While people were going on super extravagant trips and camps and working at a cool summer job, I was here. Here, doing my little routine, not going anywhere in particular. And at that, only working one day a week (let's just say I'd rather be in math class every day than at my job).
But you know what ? Welcome to my summer VACATION. My family didn't plan to go anywhere (which, I would appreciate, but apparently SOME people in my family don't like to travel, so I've learned to accept it) except for where I am now, 3 hours away for two days. And I didn't choose to work more than one day a week for two reasons :
1) The money I get from that is enough to sustain me this summer.
2) I worked my ass off all year balancing everything, including my job, just to live. So I am done being stressed.
I think I'd just rather take it day by day, and make some spontaneous plans with my boyfriend and friends.
Wow. I can't believe it's nearly the end of July already.
Oh well, still have August.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Now, I'm not only missing home for two days : I know that I still have until next Sunday to miss home. I get to come back for tonight, but then I'm off again to another mystical land of fairies and unicorns.
It's interesting to have a change of scenery for sure. I got to visit a really beautiful beach for which we had the perfect summer day. My skin tanned more, and I got to feel the freshness of the super clear water, and also gotten to eat some DELICIOUS food. It's been a lot of fun, but I miss home.
My summer so far has been really routine oriented. On a regular day with no particular plans (except for maybe seeing my boyfriend in the evening) I'd get up around 9am, have breakfast, go for a powerwalk, have a shower, eat lunch... and the rest of the afternoon was free. It's peaceful. It sounds boring to some people I suppose, and sometimes it is, but it's relaxing. Spending a whole ten months stressing about grades, social life and work really makes you appreciate nothingness a whole lot more. Doing nothing has never been so great in my life.
I've felt really self-concious when people would ask me what I was doing this summer. While people were going on super extravagant trips and camps and working at a cool summer job, I was here. Here, doing my little routine, not going anywhere in particular. And at that, only working one day a week (let's just say I'd rather be in math class every day than at my job).
But you know what ? Welcome to my summer VACATION. My family didn't plan to go anywhere (which, I would appreciate, but apparently SOME people in my family don't like to travel, so I've learned to accept it) except for where I am now, 3 hours away for two days. And I didn't choose to work more than one day a week for two reasons :
1) The money I get from that is enough to sustain me this summer.
2) I worked my ass off all year balancing everything, including my job, just to live. So I am done being stressed.
I think I'd just rather take it day by day, and make some spontaneous plans with my boyfriend and friends.
Wow. I can't believe it's nearly the end of July already.
Oh well, still have August.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Monday, July 12, 2010
Dream Me
... has a story.
There couldn't be any other way. I knew I belonged with James. I could never doubt the love I felt for this man, and never doubt the love he felt for me. We were perfect together: physically, intellecutally, emotionally.
But I knew something was getting in the way, and I only recently came to the following conclusion. It was someone getting in the way.
I had known Henry for only about a year. We have had so many great times together, and shared so many common interests. All interests except in each other, which eventually, I had been wrong about.
As I stared into Henry's eyes that cloudy afternoon, I could only think about the mistake I was making. I knew I loved James more; I didn't even love Henry. But something about those moments where I was kissing him felt so right. The feelings for Henry were unimaginable. The more we kissed the stronger the feelings got and I couldn't let him go.
But I knew my truth. I love James. He is the reason that I believe in true love. I had to let Henry go. And in a way, I had let part of myself go. The part of me that is doubt. Henry was my doubt for my relationship with James, walking away from me. It hurt so much to let him go, and I wished nothing had changed. But he walked. He walked away.
I returned to James soon after. He stood in the doorway before me, just staring. He stared as if he knew. We didn't say anything for awhile.
James wasn't angry. It was as if he knew what Henry had meant to me; had meant to our relationship. He knew Henry had been my doubt. But now, I was free of Henry, therefore free of any doubt. I had experienced my temptation, and had gained nothing from it.
James took me into his arms. He gazed upon me with his sky blue eyes.
In that moment, I finally understood the meaning of forever.
So, that wasn't a real blog posting.. but I didn't have anything to write about, so I decided to adapt the dream I had to a mini short story-ish... like taking on a different character.
Let me just say, my relationship is NOT in trouble. I think I had this dream because at that point, I hadn't talked to him in like.. three days.
Oh god, I need a life.
As especially lame as I am.
- K
There couldn't be any other way. I knew I belonged with James. I could never doubt the love I felt for this man, and never doubt the love he felt for me. We were perfect together: physically, intellecutally, emotionally.
But I knew something was getting in the way, and I only recently came to the following conclusion. It was someone getting in the way.
I had known Henry for only about a year. We have had so many great times together, and shared so many common interests. All interests except in each other, which eventually, I had been wrong about.
As I stared into Henry's eyes that cloudy afternoon, I could only think about the mistake I was making. I knew I loved James more; I didn't even love Henry. But something about those moments where I was kissing him felt so right. The feelings for Henry were unimaginable. The more we kissed the stronger the feelings got and I couldn't let him go.
But I knew my truth. I love James. He is the reason that I believe in true love. I had to let Henry go. And in a way, I had let part of myself go. The part of me that is doubt. Henry was my doubt for my relationship with James, walking away from me. It hurt so much to let him go, and I wished nothing had changed. But he walked. He walked away.
I returned to James soon after. He stood in the doorway before me, just staring. He stared as if he knew. We didn't say anything for awhile.
James wasn't angry. It was as if he knew what Henry had meant to me; had meant to our relationship. He knew Henry had been my doubt. But now, I was free of Henry, therefore free of any doubt. I had experienced my temptation, and had gained nothing from it.
James took me into his arms. He gazed upon me with his sky blue eyes.
In that moment, I finally understood the meaning of forever.
So, that wasn't a real blog posting.. but I didn't have anything to write about, so I decided to adapt the dream I had to a mini short story-ish... like taking on a different character.
Let me just say, my relationship is NOT in trouble. I think I had this dream because at that point, I hadn't talked to him in like.. three days.
Oh god, I need a life.
As especially lame as I am.
- K
Monday, July 5, 2010
Patience
... is something I really wish I had more of, especially today. Honestly, even though I hate to force time away as quickly as possible, it's all I can think about.
Take today. Today is a beautifully hot, July day. I could be relaxing and enjoying this summer day, like I should be. Summer is a rare occasion, so I should soak up every lasting drop.
But no, not today. I was informed last night that someone has to tell me something. Man, I hate when people do that.... even though I do it myself. "I have to tell you something." Okay... I really wish you could just tell me now because I have the same patience as a two year old.
For some reason, this is really haunting me. I feel like it could be something really bad. I'm slightly irrational, so I have many thoughts running through my head. It's horrible to be left with so much time and your own brain. I barely slept last night, barely kept breakfast down, and am constantly looking at the time, trying to rush it along.
I know I need to relax a little. But sometimes, I'm so sick of waiting. I miss this someone a lot since I haven't seen them for five days... so, I have good reason to be impatient.
Even though I'm kinda crazy.
I need something to pass this time. A hobby possibly. I went for a powerwalk today, which helped a bit... trying to get rid of the butterflies exploding up my esophagus.
But it's so difficult to wait.
I wish I had a time machine.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Take today. Today is a beautifully hot, July day. I could be relaxing and enjoying this summer day, like I should be. Summer is a rare occasion, so I should soak up every lasting drop.
But no, not today. I was informed last night that someone has to tell me something. Man, I hate when people do that.... even though I do it myself. "I have to tell you something." Okay... I really wish you could just tell me now because I have the same patience as a two year old.
For some reason, this is really haunting me. I feel like it could be something really bad. I'm slightly irrational, so I have many thoughts running through my head. It's horrible to be left with so much time and your own brain. I barely slept last night, barely kept breakfast down, and am constantly looking at the time, trying to rush it along.
I know I need to relax a little. But sometimes, I'm so sick of waiting. I miss this someone a lot since I haven't seen them for five days... so, I have good reason to be impatient.
Even though I'm kinda crazy.
I need something to pass this time. A hobby possibly. I went for a powerwalk today, which helped a bit... trying to get rid of the butterflies exploding up my esophagus.
But it's so difficult to wait.
I wish I had a time machine.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I Broke from the Chains
... today as I stepped away from the doors of high school and into a fun filled summer. It was such a weight lifted off my shoulders to know that school is done for two months and I have nothing to worry about when it comes to marks.
Though, I know that's not the case for everyone. Some will have to suffer the unfortunate wrath of summer school. I have sympathy for those who just didn't understand it at the time and couldn't pass the class and must subject themselves to half a summer of more frustration. But, I know there are some that didn't even bother trying. Honestly, acting like an idiot and not doing your work just screws you over in the end... especially with classes that you need to graduate. So for those people, they deserve to suffer summer school.
Ugh.. summer school. The ultimate disappointment. You think you're free.. but then you remember that you still have to continue into your so-called vacation. I don't have anything against it, I just have this childhood idea of summer being a time of freedom, pools, beaches, hot dogs, late nights.. all the great things.
I felt pressured to go into summer school, because a few of my friends are (by choice). I was thinking about it, and how I could do an English credit so I don't have it next year. But I realized that I might as well enjoy this summer, while I'm still young and careless. I know I'm definitely going to miss being 16, and the summer of 16 only comes once. After that, you work, then you die. (People will point out retirement, but you can't exactly do all the things you could when you were young, due to mechanical restrictios of an old body).
So, I thought I'd enjoy my summer. I'd enjoy my friends. I'd enjoy my boyfriend. I'd enjoy everything that's new.
Oh well.. if you're in summer school, have fun.. I guess it is supposedly easier than actual class.
I'll take it next year.
For now, I'm just running through the forest with my eyes closed.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Though, I know that's not the case for everyone. Some will have to suffer the unfortunate wrath of summer school. I have sympathy for those who just didn't understand it at the time and couldn't pass the class and must subject themselves to half a summer of more frustration. But, I know there are some that didn't even bother trying. Honestly, acting like an idiot and not doing your work just screws you over in the end... especially with classes that you need to graduate. So for those people, they deserve to suffer summer school.
Ugh.. summer school. The ultimate disappointment. You think you're free.. but then you remember that you still have to continue into your so-called vacation. I don't have anything against it, I just have this childhood idea of summer being a time of freedom, pools, beaches, hot dogs, late nights.. all the great things.
I felt pressured to go into summer school, because a few of my friends are (by choice). I was thinking about it, and how I could do an English credit so I don't have it next year. But I realized that I might as well enjoy this summer, while I'm still young and careless. I know I'm definitely going to miss being 16, and the summer of 16 only comes once. After that, you work, then you die. (People will point out retirement, but you can't exactly do all the things you could when you were young, due to mechanical restrictios of an old body).
So, I thought I'd enjoy my summer. I'd enjoy my friends. I'd enjoy my boyfriend. I'd enjoy everything that's new.
Oh well.. if you're in summer school, have fun.. I guess it is supposedly easier than actual class.
I'll take it next year.
For now, I'm just running through the forest with my eyes closed.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Sometimes
... I wish I could just close my eyes and pretend it wasn't happening.
I wish it could be sunny when I really wanted it to be.
I wish she could just be okay.
I wish he could love her.
I wish that they'd never met.
I wish I could run naked through the streets during a rainstorm.
I hope he wants to marry me.
I hope I'll wake up and cancer is cured.
I hope there won't be any drama.
I hope we'll make it.
I hope that one day I'll really be free of this.
Always
... I do what my heart tells me.
I never give up.
I never stop laughing.
I know that either way, she'll be okay.
I know that he loves me.
I do everything I can to help.
I fight myself.
I wish there was more time.
I'll love them.
I'll love him.
I am me.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I wish it could be sunny when I really wanted it to be.
I wish she could just be okay.
I wish he could love her.
I wish that they'd never met.
I wish I could run naked through the streets during a rainstorm.
I hope he wants to marry me.
I hope I'll wake up and cancer is cured.
I hope there won't be any drama.
I hope we'll make it.
I hope that one day I'll really be free of this.
Always
... I do what my heart tells me.
I never give up.
I never stop laughing.
I know that either way, she'll be okay.
I know that he loves me.
I do everything I can to help.
I fight myself.
I wish there was more time.
I'll love them.
I'll love him.
I am me.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, June 25, 2010
Stop Stop Stop
... telling these things to yourself.
"I'm fat."
"I'm ugly."
"No one will ever love me."
"I can't wear this because my stomach hangs over."
"I wish I looked like someone else."
It's so typical for someone to tell you to stop thinking these negative thoughts. But I think it's something you need to do.
Just going shopping is a horrible self-deprecating affair. I love my girls, and I wish they could love themselves that way too. They're confident and beautiful, but still they take away from themselves.
All I know is that it's not worth it to point out your faults. Honestly, I've been too low to deal with self-hate any more, so I've been trying to give it up. Obivously, I still do it... but it's a habit that should be worked at.
So, a group of girls gather around a mirror (I don't know, do guys do this too?) And all they do is point out their faults to each other. Chances are, no body else notices what you notice in yourself. How? Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but you're with yourself 24hrs a day, and you have the brain space to think about yourself in this time.
NO ONE NOTICES ________________ ( enter supposed fault here)
So believe it.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. THERE IS SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU. LET THEM LOVE YOU.
You can only be truly loved if you truly love yourself.
Love you.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
"I'm fat."
"I'm ugly."
"No one will ever love me."
"I can't wear this because my stomach hangs over."
"I wish I looked like someone else."
It's so typical for someone to tell you to stop thinking these negative thoughts. But I think it's something you need to do.
Just going shopping is a horrible self-deprecating affair. I love my girls, and I wish they could love themselves that way too. They're confident and beautiful, but still they take away from themselves.
All I know is that it's not worth it to point out your faults. Honestly, I've been too low to deal with self-hate any more, so I've been trying to give it up. Obivously, I still do it... but it's a habit that should be worked at.
So, a group of girls gather around a mirror (I don't know, do guys do this too?) And all they do is point out their faults to each other. Chances are, no body else notices what you notice in yourself. How? Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but you're with yourself 24hrs a day, and you have the brain space to think about yourself in this time.
NO ONE NOTICES ________________ ( enter supposed fault here)
So believe it.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. THERE IS SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU. LET THEM LOVE YOU.
You can only be truly loved if you truly love yourself.
Love you.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Prospect
... of summer is something to hold on to, and has helped me get through these exams that have raked me through the coals. I feel like summer can be the savior.
What do I expect summer to be? I guess I'd be basing the answer to that question on past summers and my favourite things about them. For example, staying up late watching movies, knowing I can sleep in the next day. I also love going to the pool with my sister, where it can just be spontaneous. Summer is a day-by-day thing... I think that's what is so peaceful about it.
Also, people look forward to vacations to new and exotic places. Europe, Asia, United States (they're pretty exotic there..). But I think the best vacation to take is a soul vacation.
What is this, you ask? Well, basically, taking a day totally for yourself. It seems simple enough, but a real soul vacation includes some sacrifices, like totally cutting yourself off from the internet world (including facebook, twitter, formspring [what the hell is this anyway?] and even from reading this blog). Your soul vacation is about you and your mind... you might learn a thing or two about yourself. And summer is the best time to do this, because you can go outside for a walk and enjoy the surrounding weather, and because you don't have any school work or other activities. Does anyone else do this? I do sometimes.
This is also the first summer that I have a boyfriend. I've been picturing all of the things we can do together, and obviously, I'm very much looking forward to that. There's that sense of spontaneity again, where we could hang out whenever. But the thing is... how much are we supposed to hang out?I mean, if I had it my way, I'd see him every day. But that's unrealistic, because we both have other things to do.. and I wouldn't want to get sick of him. Not saying I could... I never have, but you never know.
So I put a negative spin on that. I was thinking of erasing it, but I guess it's the truth. But I don't think I could get sick of him. We're going to have a really amazing summer together.
If you don't have any trips planned for far away, don't spend your summer wishing that you did. Summer at home doesn't have to be boring and horrible if you don't let it. Do some creative thinking and entertain yourself.
Summer
is
almost
here.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
What do I expect summer to be? I guess I'd be basing the answer to that question on past summers and my favourite things about them. For example, staying up late watching movies, knowing I can sleep in the next day. I also love going to the pool with my sister, where it can just be spontaneous. Summer is a day-by-day thing... I think that's what is so peaceful about it.
Also, people look forward to vacations to new and exotic places. Europe, Asia, United States (they're pretty exotic there..). But I think the best vacation to take is a soul vacation.
What is this, you ask? Well, basically, taking a day totally for yourself. It seems simple enough, but a real soul vacation includes some sacrifices, like totally cutting yourself off from the internet world (including facebook, twitter, formspring [what the hell is this anyway?] and even from reading this blog). Your soul vacation is about you and your mind... you might learn a thing or two about yourself. And summer is the best time to do this, because you can go outside for a walk and enjoy the surrounding weather, and because you don't have any school work or other activities. Does anyone else do this? I do sometimes.
This is also the first summer that I have a boyfriend. I've been picturing all of the things we can do together, and obviously, I'm very much looking forward to that. There's that sense of spontaneity again, where we could hang out whenever. But the thing is... how much are we supposed to hang out?I mean, if I had it my way, I'd see him every day. But that's unrealistic, because we both have other things to do.. and I wouldn't want to get sick of him. Not saying I could... I never have, but you never know.
So I put a negative spin on that. I was thinking of erasing it, but I guess it's the truth. But I don't think I could get sick of him. We're going to have a really amazing summer together.
If you don't have any trips planned for far away, don't spend your summer wishing that you did. Summer at home doesn't have to be boring and horrible if you don't let it. Do some creative thinking and entertain yourself.
Summer
is
almost
here.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Friday, June 18, 2010
Perfect Little Mary
... is that girl that we think is perfect. The girl who has everything, the girl who is gorgeous, and seems so happy. What could be wrong with her? Nothing. She's perfect. I want to be her.
But if there's anything I've learned this year, it's that not everyone is what they seem. Not even myself.
Perfect Little Mary is my friend. She's beautiful, strong and popular. She has so many friends, and most people love her. She leads a fun little life, just going through high school and making her place. Everyone sees the smile on the outside, but no one hears the crying on the inside.
Perfect Little Mary has a secret. I can hardly bring myself to even think of her disease without wanting to cry. Perfect Little Mary struggles with herself, to a severe degree. She's sad, and she doesn't know what to do. In Perfect Little Mary, I see me.
She has so much sadness and guilt, and she takes it all out on herself. Scars rake her body and she's become a slave to the porcelain. She needs an outlet for her anger, as she cannot just let go of it, like most people. But what do I tell Mary?
So far, I've told her that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop. I know that's something that helped me.. just thinking about the promise of next time would just be more challengning. Also, reaching out to people makes the process of recovery so much better, since everyone can be there for you.
But everything she does cannot just be switched off. Life would be so much easier that way. . and we could avoid years of therapy and relapse.
Perfect Little Mary scares me. She reminds me too much of myself. What I once was.. and on some level, still am. Somewhere. I feel like it's a dormant stage right now.. but I think it will always be there.
Perfect Little Mary, a message for you : Please stop this. I know it's difficult, but you have to try. I love you. I have so surpress my screams that build up in my throat when I think about what's happening.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
But if there's anything I've learned this year, it's that not everyone is what they seem. Not even myself.
Perfect Little Mary is my friend. She's beautiful, strong and popular. She has so many friends, and most people love her. She leads a fun little life, just going through high school and making her place. Everyone sees the smile on the outside, but no one hears the crying on the inside.
Perfect Little Mary has a secret. I can hardly bring myself to even think of her disease without wanting to cry. Perfect Little Mary struggles with herself, to a severe degree. She's sad, and she doesn't know what to do. In Perfect Little Mary, I see me.
She has so much sadness and guilt, and she takes it all out on herself. Scars rake her body and she's become a slave to the porcelain. She needs an outlet for her anger, as she cannot just let go of it, like most people. But what do I tell Mary?
So far, I've told her that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop. I know that's something that helped me.. just thinking about the promise of next time would just be more challengning. Also, reaching out to people makes the process of recovery so much better, since everyone can be there for you.
But everything she does cannot just be switched off. Life would be so much easier that way. . and we could avoid years of therapy and relapse.
Perfect Little Mary scares me. She reminds me too much of myself. What I once was.. and on some level, still am. Somewhere. I feel like it's a dormant stage right now.. but I think it will always be there.
Perfect Little Mary, a message for you : Please stop this. I know it's difficult, but you have to try. I love you. I have so surpress my screams that build up in my throat when I think about what's happening.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Monday, June 14, 2010
Liars
... are everywhere, whether you realize it or not. You're a liar. I'm a liar. We all lie to each other, for a variety of reasons.
Because of this variety, it's hard to decide whether or not lying is a bad thing. In some contexts, it is quite useful for avoiding some painfully awkward situations. But in others, lies are earth shattering.
I've lied a lot to get out of things I didn't want to do. They've been lies that don't directly hurt other people, or things... I guess just an inconvenience? For example, once, I didn't want to go to this girl's party, so I lied and said I had something to do that day. No one is really hurt by this... the girl having the party just missed my absence (except not really because she had 20 other friends to comfort her) . So that way, lying is okay. Also, I think it's okay to lie if someone has a terrible hair cut.. but you're nice enough to say it looks awesome. It's a beneficial lie, because the person you complimented just had an ego boost, and they like you, and you're happy because they like you (for the most part, anyway) .
But some people just ... lie. One thing that makes me soo angry are people who pretend to like other people, while really they hate them and talk crap about them behind their back. Seriously? Grow up. If you hate me, tell me to my face. Don't spread stupid rumors about me, don't hurt me and tell me you're kidding. Don't give me false hope. Let me accept the fact that I'm not accepted.
(I reread this after and I want to clarify one point : you can not like someone, and a solution is not to talk to them... I guess if you're not doing anything to hurt them, you don't have to say it to their face).
I've been backstabbed before. I was young, so it really made it hard to trust people in the future. And now I know someone who is going through the same thing (and I'm not supposed to know) and I wish I could say "DUMP THOSE LYING LITTLE BITCHES. IF THEY LIE TO YOU AND HURT YOU, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS."
I feel very fortunate to have my friends. All of this drama is such crap. I know a lot of people lie and hurt others because they are insecure... but these people need to get over themselves and try to invest their time in something other than lying.
Why can't we all just be friends?
I'm glad I've found real friends.
You know who you are .
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Because of this variety, it's hard to decide whether or not lying is a bad thing. In some contexts, it is quite useful for avoiding some painfully awkward situations. But in others, lies are earth shattering.
I've lied a lot to get out of things I didn't want to do. They've been lies that don't directly hurt other people, or things... I guess just an inconvenience? For example, once, I didn't want to go to this girl's party, so I lied and said I had something to do that day. No one is really hurt by this... the girl having the party just missed my absence (except not really because she had 20 other friends to comfort her) . So that way, lying is okay. Also, I think it's okay to lie if someone has a terrible hair cut.. but you're nice enough to say it looks awesome. It's a beneficial lie, because the person you complimented just had an ego boost, and they like you, and you're happy because they like you (for the most part, anyway) .
But some people just ... lie. One thing that makes me soo angry are people who pretend to like other people, while really they hate them and talk crap about them behind their back. Seriously? Grow up. If you hate me, tell me to my face. Don't spread stupid rumors about me, don't hurt me and tell me you're kidding. Don't give me false hope. Let me accept the fact that I'm not accepted.
(I reread this after and I want to clarify one point : you can not like someone, and a solution is not to talk to them... I guess if you're not doing anything to hurt them, you don't have to say it to their face).
I've been backstabbed before. I was young, so it really made it hard to trust people in the future. And now I know someone who is going through the same thing (and I'm not supposed to know) and I wish I could say "DUMP THOSE LYING LITTLE BITCHES. IF THEY LIE TO YOU AND HURT YOU, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS."
I feel very fortunate to have my friends. All of this drama is such crap. I know a lot of people lie and hurt others because they are insecure... but these people need to get over themselves and try to invest their time in something other than lying.
Why can't we all just be friends?
I'm glad I've found real friends.
You know who you are .
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Voice in your Head
... is hopefully yours. But it's the voice that you hear 24hrs of the day. You debate with it while making decisions in your daily life, and it convinces you to do things, to say things. And most of the time, you listen to it.
So this voice in your head... if you have to live with it forever, shouldn't it be saying the most postive things it can ?
Sometimes, it doesn't. Do you ever think about what you think about? Or what you say to yourself in certain situations?
I think your outlook on life is really based on what you say to yourself in your head on a daily basis, realizing it or not. And sometimes we say things to ourselves that are very counter-productive in life, and in our self esteem.
Take always dwelling on the negative as an example. If you come across a problem, a realistic way of thinking would be to weigh the pros and the cons, right? Or both sides of the story?
But what if we were so hard on ourselves, that we'd obsess over a small, horrible detail and let it ruin the whole situation? For example, if you definitely know the answer to a question on a test, and totally have no idea about another one... which one do you think about more? You probably go up to your buddy after class and say "Wow.. I totally failed #3." That just sets us up for more failure in the future.
Also, personalizing things. By that, I mean blaming everything on yourself. Like, if your parents get divorced, you might think it's your fault... but it's not. Or, if your friend is going through some crappy times, you might think his/her deteriorating state is your fault because you can't help them... but it's not. Sometimes, things happen. And everything happens for a reason.
I think people might find peace within themselves if they'd just change their way of thinking. What you say in your mind is like a tape recorder, and eventually, you beging to believe the negative tape that you put in your head. So, change the tape. To a positive one.
Or one with Justin Beiber playing. Whatever you prefer.
Just as long as it's not negative, self attacking thoughts.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
So this voice in your head... if you have to live with it forever, shouldn't it be saying the most postive things it can ?
Sometimes, it doesn't. Do you ever think about what you think about? Or what you say to yourself in certain situations?
I think your outlook on life is really based on what you say to yourself in your head on a daily basis, realizing it or not. And sometimes we say things to ourselves that are very counter-productive in life, and in our self esteem.
Take always dwelling on the negative as an example. If you come across a problem, a realistic way of thinking would be to weigh the pros and the cons, right? Or both sides of the story?
But what if we were so hard on ourselves, that we'd obsess over a small, horrible detail and let it ruin the whole situation? For example, if you definitely know the answer to a question on a test, and totally have no idea about another one... which one do you think about more? You probably go up to your buddy after class and say "Wow.. I totally failed #3." That just sets us up for more failure in the future.
Also, personalizing things. By that, I mean blaming everything on yourself. Like, if your parents get divorced, you might think it's your fault... but it's not. Or, if your friend is going through some crappy times, you might think his/her deteriorating state is your fault because you can't help them... but it's not. Sometimes, things happen. And everything happens for a reason.
I think people might find peace within themselves if they'd just change their way of thinking. What you say in your mind is like a tape recorder, and eventually, you beging to believe the negative tape that you put in your head. So, change the tape. To a positive one.
Or one with Justin Beiber playing. Whatever you prefer.
Just as long as it's not negative, self attacking thoughts.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A Bad Day
... usually has specific components that award its title. There are small, bad things that happen all at once, which are usually manageable when they don't accumulate in 24hrs.
I don't usually have bad days; it's difficult to define a bad day, most of the time. Nothing serious happened... I guess it was just small things that all happened on the same day, which accumulated to one big, fat, ugly day. A rainy day. A working day. A lonely day. A day of desire but not obtaining. I hate those days.
I guess I'm not here to complain about it... just analyze it so I can prevent bad days in the future. Someone wise told me that a day only becomes bad when you think to yourself, "Today is a bad day." Apparently, you can always turn it around.
Maybe, once in awhile, we need a bad day. It kind of makes you realize the small things that make you happy. Like, for example, a towel. If you were having a bad day, as in it's raining, and you forget your umbrella, and a car drives through a puddle parallel to you and splashes a crap load of water all over your new shirt... a simple towel is going to seem like gold. Take also a hug. You probably get a hug every day. But after a bad day, as in getting a bad mark in math, getting in a fight with your friend, dropping a chocolate chip cookie you were looking forward to and getting yelled at by a teacher, a hug from Mom is going to feel 10x more comforting.
Bad Days are good. But not every day should be a bad day. If something crappy happens, sometimes you just have to move on. Laugh it off, even. Maybe doing that will turn your day around.
On a side note, my day was bad partially due to the fact I barely saw someone who is very special to me. It made me sad.
So, special person, I miss you.
Just thought I'd let you know.
That's kind of sad.. but this day is bad enough. So I'll try to end on a happier note.
Uhm.... puppies?
Oh well. I hold onto the fact that summer is coming soon. LOVESUNFRIENDSHOTGRASSBEACHESPOOLSLATENIGHTSSTARSICECREAMSANDALS
And RRREEELLLAAAXXXAAATTTIIIOOONNN.
And the absence of a teacher I HIGHLY dislike.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I don't usually have bad days; it's difficult to define a bad day, most of the time. Nothing serious happened... I guess it was just small things that all happened on the same day, which accumulated to one big, fat, ugly day. A rainy day. A working day. A lonely day. A day of desire but not obtaining. I hate those days.
I guess I'm not here to complain about it... just analyze it so I can prevent bad days in the future. Someone wise told me that a day only becomes bad when you think to yourself, "Today is a bad day." Apparently, you can always turn it around.
Maybe, once in awhile, we need a bad day. It kind of makes you realize the small things that make you happy. Like, for example, a towel. If you were having a bad day, as in it's raining, and you forget your umbrella, and a car drives through a puddle parallel to you and splashes a crap load of water all over your new shirt... a simple towel is going to seem like gold. Take also a hug. You probably get a hug every day. But after a bad day, as in getting a bad mark in math, getting in a fight with your friend, dropping a chocolate chip cookie you were looking forward to and getting yelled at by a teacher, a hug from Mom is going to feel 10x more comforting.
Bad Days are good. But not every day should be a bad day. If something crappy happens, sometimes you just have to move on. Laugh it off, even. Maybe doing that will turn your day around.
On a side note, my day was bad partially due to the fact I barely saw someone who is very special to me. It made me sad.
So, special person, I miss you.
Just thought I'd let you know.
That's kind of sad.. but this day is bad enough. So I'll try to end on a happier note.
Uhm.... puppies?
Oh well. I hold onto the fact that summer is coming soon. LOVESUNFRIENDSHOTGRASSBEACHESPOOLSLATENIGHTSSTARSICECREAMSANDALS
And RRREEELLLAAAXXXAAATTTIIIOOONNN.
And the absence of a teacher I HIGHLY dislike.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Employment
... sucks if you're a teenager. Well, except for a select few who swing THE perfect job with THE perfect hours and THE perfect boss. But it usually doesn't happen that way.
I've learned that trying to find a job and then deal with having a job is a somewhat difficult task. It all started when I was old enough to send out my first resume, at age 15. I was so hopeful. I had good experience, good marks, required skills... I thought, how hard could it be?
Well, I picked up approximately 10 job applications, filled them out in my best penmanship (thanks grade three) and sent them in. And then the waiting game began.
No one, except one place, called back. 1 out of ten. 10%. I was devastated.
Well.. not really. But I did not understand why I couldn't get anything else. The one that called back is now my current employer. I guess I was "lucky" that way... but I still didn't understand.
I'd heard that a lot of people, especially teenagers, were having trouble finding employment. "The Downfall of our economy" was the most popular reason. So, the more people unemployed, the more competition I was up against. The more qualified competition. It's really unfair. It's not my fault I don't have university qualifications, or tons of previous experience, or even a high school degree. SORRY I WAS ONLY BORN LESS THAN 20 YEARS AGO.
So.. my wish is that maybe... some companies could find it in their hearts to hire a couple of poor teenagers?
Ugh. No chance. Companies are money, not human. It's all about the money... so they don't care about employing teens.. just as long as they have the most "qualified" person for the job.
(Although, who needs a university degree to flip a hamburger?)
Which makes business sense, of course. So basically, until our economy picks up, or being a teenager makes you the most qualified... we're screwed.
Well, at least we have parents. Athough, they only give us the minimum amount of money. That's the one tiny little upside of having a job is the MONEY. FREEDOM. Even though, most of the time, from my experience, teens get stuck with the crappiest hours, or none at all.
I wish we could live in a world with no money and rainbows and puppies.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
I've learned that trying to find a job and then deal with having a job is a somewhat difficult task. It all started when I was old enough to send out my first resume, at age 15. I was so hopeful. I had good experience, good marks, required skills... I thought, how hard could it be?
Well, I picked up approximately 10 job applications, filled them out in my best penmanship (thanks grade three) and sent them in. And then the waiting game began.
No one, except one place, called back. 1 out of ten. 10%. I was devastated.
Well.. not really. But I did not understand why I couldn't get anything else. The one that called back is now my current employer. I guess I was "lucky" that way... but I still didn't understand.
I'd heard that a lot of people, especially teenagers, were having trouble finding employment. "The Downfall of our economy" was the most popular reason. So, the more people unemployed, the more competition I was up against. The more qualified competition. It's really unfair. It's not my fault I don't have university qualifications, or tons of previous experience, or even a high school degree. SORRY I WAS ONLY BORN LESS THAN 20 YEARS AGO.
So.. my wish is that maybe... some companies could find it in their hearts to hire a couple of poor teenagers?
Ugh. No chance. Companies are money, not human. It's all about the money... so they don't care about employing teens.. just as long as they have the most "qualified" person for the job.
(Although, who needs a university degree to flip a hamburger?)
Which makes business sense, of course. So basically, until our economy picks up, or being a teenager makes you the most qualified... we're screwed.
Well, at least we have parents. Athough, they only give us the minimum amount of money. That's the one tiny little upside of having a job is the MONEY. FREEDOM. Even though, most of the time, from my experience, teens get stuck with the crappiest hours, or none at all.
I wish we could live in a world with no money and rainbows and puppies.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Monday, June 7, 2010
Nothing
... is ever as it seems. I know many have heard it before, and maybe don't take it seriously. It's weird, this year I've had so many experiences where I've learned things about people I never thought possible. So many secrets.
It's really a surprise what some people have been through. You think you have your own problems that only you deal with... but the truth is, there are so many people who are going through the same crap. I think it would be helpful if we all just talked about it.
What if we lived with no secrets? What if we all knew everything? This could make things better. Most people suffer in silence with whatever they're dealing with, often making it much worse. And by the time the truth finally comes out, it's already been so long.
What kind of things am I talking about? I guess they can range from hardly noticeable things to really severe. Some people have a secret reason for being mean and inconsiderate. Or some people who seem like they have it all don't take it for granted while most people see them as snobby because of what they have. There are some things that we all hear about, but never really associate with the people that surround us. Mental illness, being a huge part, along with everything it brings. Depression. Self injury. Eating Disorders. Alcoholism. Abuse of drugs. Mood disorders. There are so many effects it has on people, and while it's right infront of our faces, we often can't see it.
I've learned so many secrets that having a secret has almost become the norm, in my world. In other happier, more sheltered worlds, people don't deal with this. It just depends on the people you're exposed to.
I don't regret any type of exposure I've had, within myself, or anyone around me. I think it makes for a better perspective on life, and it's kind of comforting, in a way.
Telling people is a way to solve these problems.
It's so easy to minimize the silent suffering if we all just stood up and said it.
Say it. I dare you.
Sometimes the prettiest person is actually really ugly.
Sometimes the dumbest people just don't know how to express their brilliance.
Sometimes the meanest people are actually nice and just compensating for something.
Sometimes the quietest people just want to scream.
Sometimes the pessimists are just afraid to be hopeful.
Sometimes the most hopeful people have lost it all.
Sometimes the happiest person is covering their sadness.
So open your eyes.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
It's really a surprise what some people have been through. You think you have your own problems that only you deal with... but the truth is, there are so many people who are going through the same crap. I think it would be helpful if we all just talked about it.
What if we lived with no secrets? What if we all knew everything? This could make things better. Most people suffer in silence with whatever they're dealing with, often making it much worse. And by the time the truth finally comes out, it's already been so long.
What kind of things am I talking about? I guess they can range from hardly noticeable things to really severe. Some people have a secret reason for being mean and inconsiderate. Or some people who seem like they have it all don't take it for granted while most people see them as snobby because of what they have. There are some things that we all hear about, but never really associate with the people that surround us. Mental illness, being a huge part, along with everything it brings. Depression. Self injury. Eating Disorders. Alcoholism. Abuse of drugs. Mood disorders. There are so many effects it has on people, and while it's right infront of our faces, we often can't see it.
I've learned so many secrets that having a secret has almost become the norm, in my world. In other happier, more sheltered worlds, people don't deal with this. It just depends on the people you're exposed to.
I don't regret any type of exposure I've had, within myself, or anyone around me. I think it makes for a better perspective on life, and it's kind of comforting, in a way.
Telling people is a way to solve these problems.
It's so easy to minimize the silent suffering if we all just stood up and said it.
Say it. I dare you.
Sometimes the prettiest person is actually really ugly.
Sometimes the dumbest people just don't know how to express their brilliance.
Sometimes the meanest people are actually nice and just compensating for something.
Sometimes the quietest people just want to scream.
Sometimes the pessimists are just afraid to be hopeful.
Sometimes the most hopeful people have lost it all.
Sometimes the happiest person is covering their sadness.
So open your eyes.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Concentration
... is a concept easier said than done. I've learned that today while trying to study for upcoming exams.
It has actually become a real effort to try and buckle down hit the books. I had to mentally prepare myself for 24 hrs before hand. Have fun today. Go to work tomorrow. Come home. Study.
Was it always this way?
I swear, when I was younger, studying for two hours straight was no big deal. What else was I going to do anyway? I didn't have a phone to text people, or facebook, at that point. I could sit in front a computer and even use the internet without somehow navigating towards all those time waster sites (youtube, facebook, twitter... you know who you are).
Another common mistake? Multi-tasking. Ever have an msn conversation go like this?
You: Hey. What are you up to?
Friend: Oh, you know, doing homework.
Really? I've tried that... doesn't really work. Usually, it's brainless stuff, like math questions or spanish grammar I'm doing while maintaining a conversation. But you don't really absorb what you're supposed to be learning. I can't even imagine trying to memorize something while simultaneously listening to your friend describe her latest pair of high tops.
Oh well. Experience gives me hope: as in, I know so many people who manage to pull it off in the end, sacrificing many lost hours of sleep.
I treasure sleep. So, my goal? Trying to muster my best brains over the next two weeks for studying.
If you have the same goal, I wish all the best luck to you.
If not, then... good luck with that.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
It has actually become a real effort to try and buckle down hit the books. I had to mentally prepare myself for 24 hrs before hand. Have fun today. Go to work tomorrow. Come home. Study.
Was it always this way?
I swear, when I was younger, studying for two hours straight was no big deal. What else was I going to do anyway? I didn't have a phone to text people, or facebook, at that point. I could sit in front a computer and even use the internet without somehow navigating towards all those time waster sites (youtube, facebook, twitter... you know who you are).
Another common mistake? Multi-tasking. Ever have an msn conversation go like this?
You: Hey. What are you up to?
Friend: Oh, you know, doing homework.
Really? I've tried that... doesn't really work. Usually, it's brainless stuff, like math questions or spanish grammar I'm doing while maintaining a conversation. But you don't really absorb what you're supposed to be learning. I can't even imagine trying to memorize something while simultaneously listening to your friend describe her latest pair of high tops.
Oh well. Experience gives me hope: as in, I know so many people who manage to pull it off in the end, sacrificing many lost hours of sleep.
I treasure sleep. So, my goal? Trying to muster my best brains over the next two weeks for studying.
If you have the same goal, I wish all the best luck to you.
If not, then... good luck with that.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Getting Away With it
... feels really good. Great, even. Satisfying. Rebellious. Wild. Free. Relieving. Those are some of the words I can put to it.
Sometimes, you just have to live a little. In this life, we are told to live by all of the rules honestly. Be home by curfew. Don't drink. Don't smoke. So, we all have some morals. But wouldn't you do it if you weren't going to get caught?
I guess a line has to be drawn somewhere though. For example, you can't just go out and murder someone and get away with it. But sometimes, someone needs to get their ass kicked to know what's good for them. See, if someone is being a total jerk and even physically assaults others themself, then it should be legally and karmically okay for some other hero to go beat them up. In my opinion, anyway... I'm not advocating violence or something like a crazy person...
Also, sometimes you need to make the mistake yourself to know it's wrong. I think many teens find this with drinking. They get absolutely piss drunk one time, and nothing happens. They get absolutely piss drunk again, and they can't remember anything, get robbed, their house gets trashed, they can't walk straight, they puke their whole intestinal track and get busted by their parents. Would that person ever want to be in the vicinity of alcohol again? Nope. Lesson learned.
Though, I thoroughly believe that teens should do something crazy, at LEAST once before the dreaded adulthood. Everything is going to have risks, but sometimes, it's worth it. For example, sneaking out, just to say you did. Or sleeping over at a boy's house... because you want to. Or skinny dipping in peoples' pools all around the neighbourhood (apparently, it's a good time). Just do something. Seriously. Or else, you might regret it.
A famous someone once said: "I don't regret the things I did; I only regret the things I didn't do."
I don't remember who that was, but I guess they can be considered clever and wise on some level.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Sometimes, you just have to live a little. In this life, we are told to live by all of the rules honestly. Be home by curfew. Don't drink. Don't smoke. So, we all have some morals. But wouldn't you do it if you weren't going to get caught?
I guess a line has to be drawn somewhere though. For example, you can't just go out and murder someone and get away with it. But sometimes, someone needs to get their ass kicked to know what's good for them. See, if someone is being a total jerk and even physically assaults others themself, then it should be legally and karmically okay for some other hero to go beat them up. In my opinion, anyway... I'm not advocating violence or something like a crazy person...
Also, sometimes you need to make the mistake yourself to know it's wrong. I think many teens find this with drinking. They get absolutely piss drunk one time, and nothing happens. They get absolutely piss drunk again, and they can't remember anything, get robbed, their house gets trashed, they can't walk straight, they puke their whole intestinal track and get busted by their parents. Would that person ever want to be in the vicinity of alcohol again? Nope. Lesson learned.
Though, I thoroughly believe that teens should do something crazy, at LEAST once before the dreaded adulthood. Everything is going to have risks, but sometimes, it's worth it. For example, sneaking out, just to say you did. Or sleeping over at a boy's house... because you want to. Or skinny dipping in peoples' pools all around the neighbourhood (apparently, it's a good time). Just do something. Seriously. Or else, you might regret it.
A famous someone once said: "I don't regret the things I did; I only regret the things I didn't do."
I don't remember who that was, but I guess they can be considered clever and wise on some level.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Thursday, June 3, 2010
True Love
... is something that's not often found, but treasured when it is. Or at least it should be. Even the best couples can sometimes treat each other like crap. But that's not the point.
Today, I was talking to my lovely friend Marissa, and I asked her something. I asked her, "Do you think people can have more than one soul mate, or are there multiple ones out there?". She began to tell me that she believes that people can belong with more than one person, and even have more than one soul mate. It would be varying levels of love, and different types of love. I only agree with her on one point, which is that there are different types of love. Obviously, what people feel is different for everyone.
But something about there being one person absolutely perfect for you makes me feel happy. It's almost magical (sorry for the lame cliche). Think about it this way: if our souls are created (by whatever you believe in... God, Allah, the wind) like puzzle pieces, then maybe everyone has a corresponding puzzle piece (and as Marissa pointed out, the girls would have the indent section where the boys would connect their protruding section... make sense?). And everyone may not find that special someone, and settle for whoever they fall in love with. Which isn't always a bad thing, since you would still be in love. But maybe, whether you know it or not, your perfect mate is out there. And who knows, maybe you two weren't even put in the same time era. I think it's something incredible for two people to find their absolute perfect match, no matter what age, circumstance... You'd never really know if you were meant to be with someone you let go, which is sad. But I guess the point is that you end up happy with whoever you're with.
And I quote: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with."
And if you think you found your puzzle piece, don't let anything take them away. It might just ruin the whole picture.
Well, as lame, and apparently hopelessly romantic as I am.
- K
Today, I was talking to my lovely friend Marissa, and I asked her something. I asked her, "Do you think people can have more than one soul mate, or are there multiple ones out there?". She began to tell me that she believes that people can belong with more than one person, and even have more than one soul mate. It would be varying levels of love, and different types of love. I only agree with her on one point, which is that there are different types of love. Obviously, what people feel is different for everyone.
But something about there being one person absolutely perfect for you makes me feel happy. It's almost magical (sorry for the lame cliche). Think about it this way: if our souls are created (by whatever you believe in... God, Allah, the wind) like puzzle pieces, then maybe everyone has a corresponding puzzle piece (and as Marissa pointed out, the girls would have the indent section where the boys would connect their protruding section... make sense?). And everyone may not find that special someone, and settle for whoever they fall in love with. Which isn't always a bad thing, since you would still be in love. But maybe, whether you know it or not, your perfect mate is out there. And who knows, maybe you two weren't even put in the same time era. I think it's something incredible for two people to find their absolute perfect match, no matter what age, circumstance... You'd never really know if you were meant to be with someone you let go, which is sad. But I guess the point is that you end up happy with whoever you're with.
And I quote: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with."
And if you think you found your puzzle piece, don't let anything take them away. It might just ruin the whole picture.
Well, as lame, and apparently hopelessly romantic as I am.
- K
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Appreciation For the Small Things
...is something people, including myself, lack sometimes. People think they need elaborate plans and metaphysical decorations in life. Today, it was raining (and still is)... but I thought I'd stand in it. Have you ever just felt the rain? It smells really good. I like to do stuff like that a lot... and try to close my mind off to anything else going on around me. Close my eyes. Deep breath in. Nothing else matters in that moment. It's kind of cliche like yoga style... but I think we could take more time to do it. Trying to absorb everything about a special moment is what it's all about. Honestly, I believe the meaning to life is based on the small moments. If you look at the big picture too much and only think about the future, you get lost in the mosaic pieces of life. JUST HOLD YOUR FRIKIN HORSES... and listen to the rain.
Wow, profound much? Maybe not. Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about... it was just kind of a random inspiration after a good day with my sister and mother.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Wow, profound much? Maybe not. Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about... it was just kind of a random inspiration after a good day with my sister and mother.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Time Management
...is something I'm not good at. But, I have created this time consuming blog anyway, inspired by my friend Maddy. I've read her blog recently, and it's kind of made me want to start my own; to have this outlet to express my random thoughts. Someone to talk to when no one is listening. I suppose it's helpful during lonely times, to pretend like someone will read this and maybe absorb some inspiration from it. Who knows how long I can keep up with this anyway... I kind of fail at Twitter. I got that a long time ago and only update my status (or whatever it is? I sound like an uneducated adult) every 20 days or so. Some people are constantly on it.. which I don't get. Facebook is more my style. Although I thought I could resist, it seems as if I've become addicted to it anyway. Usually, homework time is split with facebook time.. hence my poor time management. Symptoms of my facebook addiction? Fatigue... from staying up WAY too late because I'm on facebook or I'm recovering lost time from being on it. Stalker behaviours... because it's just too easy to know what everyone is up to at any given time. I try to get outside more anyway. Old people say it's our generation... but I find comfort in the thought that old people made it that way.
So thanks.
For our laziness.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
So thanks.
For our laziness.
Well, as lame as I am.
- K
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